Conventional wisdom boils tonight’s presidential debate down to a single question: Which terrifies you more, Biden’s octogenarian decrepitude or the incontrovertible fact that Trump is, in medical terms, batshit?
This stultifying oversimplification (the entire raison d’être of all conventional wisdom) arguably sets the bar significantly lower than any bar has ever been set, not just for presidential debates, but for any sort of bar-setting for performance based activity in the entirety of human history. The premise here is that should Biden survive until the debate ends without dispersing in a wind blown cloud of ash like a victim of Thanos snap, he wins; whereas if Trump goes the full 90 minutes without stripping to his underwear while howling about insufficient water pressure in bathrooms and soiling himself, he wins. Should both candidates clear their expectation bar, it’s a draw and we return to the status quo, where the fate of the United States and perhaps the world hangs on the result of a random roll of a handful of D&D dice flung from the trembling, sweaty paw of the crazed Baboon that is the American electorate. Metaphorically. I meant to shoe-horn the word “zeitgeist” in there somewhere, but in this I have failed. The debate is 10.5 hours away as I type this sentence, and I have to keep moving.
The point of this “essay” is to make a series of predictions about how the debate will go and publish it on my “Blog”, thus sealing those predictions with a timestamp so that later tonight and into the next day I can write about what actually took place and either celebrate my Nostrodamus-like genius or act as if I never wrote the piece you are now reading. This article is a precursor, if you will, and the follow up article will appear in relatively short order on the website chelseacommunitynews.com. I shall alert you when the follow-up “drops”, both on the Facebook Social Media Platform, and on this “blog”, where I will supply a “link.”
Now, having satisfied my compulsion for lengthy and almost certainly unecessary preambles,
MY PREDICTIONS FOR TONIGHT’S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES:
TRUMP WILL NO-SHOW
First and foremost, I do not believe the debate will take place. Okay, I’m probably wrong on this one, but I really didn’t believe Trump would debate any more than I thought even for a second that he’d testify at his trial as he repeatedly insisted he would. The rules both candidates have agreed to are strikingly different than the last time around. No audience, and the microphones will be muted once the candidates allotted time has expired. It seems impossible that Trump has agreed to this, since his entire debate strategy in every debate in which he has ever participated has been two pronged: Prong #1: Clown for the crowd and Prong #2: never, ever stop speaking. The new debate rules preclude both prongs! A complete Prong exclusion! Trump will debate prongless, or more challengingly, he will be forced to create new prongs! Trump’s a little long in the tooth for new prong creation, especially under pressure, and so I have long presumed that he would drop out at the last moment, citing some absurdity like Biden refusing a drug test or shocking new information from the My Pillow guy that CNN is secretly owned by the ghost of (deep cut alert) Hugo Chavez. My bets are now officially hedged. I imagine Trump will show up, but if he drops out before this evening, I’ll expect my McCarthur genius grant in the mail.
TRUMP WILL STORM OFF EARLY IN THE DEBATE
Like the previous prediction, it’s a long shot, but nowhere near as long. Think about it: if executed well, this move could play to all of Trump’s strengths. He could say the debate was rigged, play the righteously aggrieved victim and create a dramatic, instantly viral clip that would be replayed ad-nauseam on every existing media platform for weeks. Of course, if executed poorly, it runs the risk of making Trump look like a whiny little bitch, but his brain doesn’t really do risk analysis, so while a long shot, I’m gonna give this prediction a 37% chance of happening. I made that number up, but so what, you’re going to hear a lot of totally made-up debate statistics in the next 24 hours.
TRUMP WILL CALL JAKE TAPPER “FAKE TAPPER”
Count on it.
TRUMP WILL USE THE WORD “RIGGED” A BARE MINIMUM OF ONE DOZEN TIMES
I know for a fact there will be a number of people watching the debate while playing a drinking game. A large enough number to be reflected in Emergency Room statistics? We’ll see.
BIDEN WILL USE THE PHRASE “CONVICTED FELON DONALD TRUMP”
This one’s a gimme. It would be Debate Malpractice not to say those words, and it’s also a great cue for Trump to STORM OFF EARLY IN THE DEBATE. If I get both “Call Trump a convicted felon” and “Storm off early in the debate”, in that order, the second immediately following the first, I get two McCarthur Genius grants.
THE SUBTLE TYRANNY OF NO PEE BREAKS
I’m 62, and sometimes I can go 90 minutes without a pee break, but a lot of times I can’t, and by “can’t”, I mean really, really can’t. I’ve been writing this for about 90 minutes right now, and I had to go twice! Not to put too fine a point on it, but my bladder is a good deal younger than either candidate’s. Maybe they are allowed pit stops during the two commercial breaks CNN has scheduled during the debate, but what if you don’t make it back to the podium on time? That’s a lot of pressure, man! Watch Biden around the 45 minute mark for grimaces, facial tics and the senior citizen version of a toddler’s pee-pee dance. This won’t be a problem for Trump, due to his well documented devil-may-care attitude regarding incontinence.
BIDEN WILL PAUSE FOR A FEW SECONDS AT SOME POINT CAUSING AN ENTIRE NEWS CYCLE OF MEDIA HAND WRINGING DEVOTED TO THE POSSIBILITY HE HAD A STROKE OR POSSIBLY BRIEFLY LEGALLY DIED
This is less a prediction than a statement of predestined fact, like if I hold a rock aloft and then let it go, it will fall to the ground. Unless I’m in space, in which case I am very likely fucked anyway.
TRUMP WILL DEBUT A NICKNAME FOR MODERATOR DANA BASH
Possibilities include Dimwit Bash, Dopey Bash, Don’t-a Smash, Li’l Missy Not-a-Ten, Donkey Bash, Donkey Kong, Bashy Bash, an as yet to be determined nickname that somehow clumsily invokes menstruation, Nancy Pelosi, Niki Hailey, Crooked Hillary, Sort Of Like Ivanka But Not Sexy, Bippy-Boopy-Nash-Bash, Bing-Bong-Bashy-Sandwich, Low Ratings Dana, and Who Is That Lady What Keeps Asking Me Questions?
TRUMP WILL TALK ABOUT THE MANYTHINGS HIS ADVISORS BEGGED HIM NOT TO DO DURING THE DEBATE THAT HE IS ACTIVELY DOING DURING THE DEBATE
In the course of fulfilling this prediction, he will pronounce the words “Be nice” and “Stay Calm” with the kind of disgust usually reserved for describing visible gangrenous wounds.
BIDEN WILL SAY “COME ON, MAN.” AT LEAST ONCE
BIDEN WILL SAY “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?” AT LEAST ONCE
BIDEN WILL SAY “MALARKY” AT LEAST ONCE
BIDEN WILL SAY “SHENANIGANS”, “TOM-FOOLERY”, “FLIM FLAM”, ”I’M FROM SCRANTON”, “TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO”, “BEES KNEES”, “CAT’S PAJAMAS” AND REFER TO A TELEPHONE AS “THE BLOWER” OR “THE HORN” AT LEAST ONCE
NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED ABOUT WHY TRUMP’S WORD CHOICE IS SO OFTEN A LITTLE ON THE HITLERY SIDE
TRUMP WILL COMPARE HIMSELF TO JESUS
Favorably
AFTER TRUMP RESPONDS TO A QUESTION BY CALLING HIS OPPONENTS COMMUNISTS AND FASCISTS, NEITHER MODERATOR WILL ASK A FOLLOW-UP
Not even just to see if the former president could demonstrate that he has any understanding of what the words “Communism” and “Fascism” actually mean
TRUMP WILL DEFEND HIS STANCE THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS STOLEN, THAT HE IS INNOCENT OF ALL CHARGES IN ALL HIS INDICTMENTS INCLUDING THE ONES HE HAS ALREADY BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF, INSIST THAT EVERYONE INCLUDING DEMOCRATS WANTED ROE OVERTURNED BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ALWAYS FELT IT WAS A TERRIBLE DECISION, CLAIM YET AGAIN THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS POST BIRTH ABORTION, REFERENCE THAT FUCKING FOLK SONG ABOUT SNAKES, SHARE HIS TERROR OF SHARKS, WINDMILLS AND “THE ELECTRIC”, WAX POETIC ON HOW DREAMY FICTIONAL CANNIBAL AND SERIAL KILLER HANNIBAL LECTER IS, CLAIM THAT BIDEN GOT A “SHOT IN THE ASS” RIGHT BEFORE THE DEBATE AND THAT HE’S “ALL JACKED UP”, PROBABLY ON THE 17 KILOS OF COCAINE THAT WAS FOUND IN THE WHITEHOUSE, PRONOUNCE AT LEAST 15 WORDS WILDLY INCORRECTLY AT LEAST THREE OF WHICH HE WILL SAY AT LEAST THREE TIMES IN SUCSESSION, SLOWER EACH TIME, WHILE MAKING FACES ACCOMPANIED BY WEIRD, PHYSICAL STRAINING IN A MANNER THAT SUGESTS HE’S HAVING A PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT POO.
I know that’s more than one prediction, but I’m on a deadline and I have zero doubts regarding everything in that last paragraph.
TRUMP WILL STRIP TO HIS UNDERWEAR WHILE HOWLING ABOUT INSUFFICIENT WATER PRESSURE IN BATHROOMS AND SOIL HIMSELF
Not really very likely, but it would make for great TV, so, you know, fingers crossed.
maxburbank 