Here is a message for all of you out there (and it is literally all of you) with your power balls tickets in your pockets: You have wasted your money. You are not going to win the Power Balls for the very simple reason that I am going to win the Power Balls and as in all things there can only be one winner with everyone else who is not the winner being the losers. Winner, singular, losers, very, very plural. I am sad a little to be the cause of your despair, but you know what will cheer me up? The eleventy-billion Dollar Power Balls purse I will shortly be holding. It may be true that money cannot buy you happiness, but here is what it can buy. The things that bring you happiness.
But before I buy those things, first I will request my winnings in coin and make a huge pile and climb an enormous ladder and dive into it and swim around in it like Scrooge Macduck, a thing only physically possible for people who can afford the surgical altering needed to keep your face intact when you dive into a ginormous pile of coin, a surgical procedure so unimaginably expensive it can only be afforded by someone who has won the Powerballs, which is who I will soon be.
How do I know this? Simple. I have a strategy. I have purchased a Power Balls ticket. I did not waste the time selecting some number of arcane significance to me like one of my children’s birthdate or other such like sentimentalist pap. I did the ‘quickly pick’ because time is money and while I will have soon have so much money to waste that the wasting of money will become a thing people do just to be more like me (The Power Balls Biggest Jackpot Winner Ever), I do not have the money until the drawing.
I have only purchased the one ticket because math. There is virtually no statistical difference between my having one ticket and three hundred. One ticket, three hundred tickets, it’s still way it is much more likely that while I am fishing my wallet out pf my pants to buy that ticket, a Sandworm from Dune will smash through the floor of the 7-11 and devour me whole. So one ticket is all I need to win, which I will. Because I feel it. Because I have imagined it in such great detail and with such passion that for me not to win it would be the greatest fraud perpetrated by God on any human being since that monkey threw a bone in the air at the beginning of 2001, which for the love of God was fifteen years ago at this point, so I think I have waited long enough to become the single richest person that ever was.
Because, because, because the THINGS I will do with that money! The unfortunate lad who sold me the ticket told me if he won he would buy a fully functioning Iron Man suit, but that is so stupid! Tony Stark is already as rich as Power Balls, why would he sell dangerous advanced military technology to a sadly bepimpled 7-11 wage slave who would surely abuse it to get dates? And why waste time on ridiculous fantasy purchases when you could be putting your feet up on the dashboard of the MILLENIUM FALCON and shit! I will dance like Uma Thurman right after I hire all the scientists to invent a dancing program that downloads directly into my central nervous system by way of a spinal tap that is entirely painless because MONEY! There will be a Beatles Reunion at my Birthday party and my Birthday will be every five minutes! And it will not be gross on account of old age and death because did you forget about all the genius scientists I own?! And ‘Sir’ Paul McCartney will call me ‘Sir’ and so will ‘Sir’ Alec Guinness while he thanks me for SUMMONING HIM FROM THE GREAT BEYOND to attend the never ending Birthday Party of the POWER BALLS WINNER! And NONE of these things will seem like the sad whims of a clinically stunted imagination, because the whims of the ultra rich are awesome by DEFINITION!
And I sure as hell will not be writing this ‘blog’ anymore for nothing, casting ‘pearls’ before ‘swine’ even though pearls will mean no more to me than individually wrapped chunks of Hubba Bubba once I have won the Power balls, because I am not one to give pigs bubble gum. No pig has ever blown a bubble, it’s beyond them owing to their mouth shape so what’s the point, right? Yeesh! This is why I am destined to win, because I THINK THINGS THROUGH!
So don’t get your hopes up is what I am saying. I have clearly, logically and empirically decided I will win because seriously, I have a fair amount of debt and my ship has yet to come in so it is pretty much certainly coming in this time for sure, and you know what’s in the cargo hold? No? You don’t even want to take a shot? I’ll give you three guesses, but the last one has to be MAX BURBANK’S ENORMOUS POWER BALLS WINNINGS!
One like equals six prayers. Share this article. See you never.