Sarah Palin on if she would be Donald Trump’s Running Mate, Verbatim, I swear, I Totally Didn’t Make All This Up, Okay Some of It.

“Well, you know, there’s a lot of people who are asking if Donald Trump asked, would I run with him to be the Vice Presidential Candidate on his ticket, and, well, sure, yes, if he honored me with asking a question like that well, heck, I’d have to say yes. But you know, I want to help, not hurt and I am such a realist that I realize there are a whole lot of people out there who would say, ‘Anybody but Palin.’. I wouldn’t want to be a burden on the ticket, and I realize in many, many eyes, I would be that burden, let’s be honest, I would be a stone on a rope around the neck of Donald Trump, a very, very large stone, which is bad enough at all but even worse in a situation where with that stone on a rope around your neck you get dumped into the ocean which is what in many people’s eyes would be what was going on with Donald Trump if he were to pick me to be the Vice President with him on that ticket for sure, unfortunately, is how some people would be viewing that situation.


I just want the guy to win. I want America to win. I want America to buy a power ball ticket and then the number gets called and America has the winning ticket and where the numbers go instead it would say Donald TRUMP… is the MAN … who is now your PRESIDENT… so you win, America! That’s what wining feels like! And I don’t know if I would be the person that would help him be the words on the power ball ticket where the numbers go when the numbers are the numbers you picked and you are America.


But you know, if Donald Trump were to put me on his short list for being picked to be the Vice President on that Power Ball ticket, one thing I will say is I don’t think I’d need much vetting. I think I’m pretty much as vetted as anybody in the country, I have been vetted to the point I’m a veteran of vetting and boy, I bet John Mccain, God bless him, wishes the majority of that vetting had taken place before he placed me on his ticket instead of after, but vetting is vetting no matter when it takes place, and boy oh boy did I get the doody vetted out of me! I don’t think if I got vetted again there’d be any new surprises because everybody at this point knows at this point that while you can’t prove I’m an alcoholic because I’m not so dumb as to let a doctor or policeman have any of my blood, I sure do talk like a person whose brain has been permanently damaged by something along the lines of liquor and maybe I just imitate that pattern of speeching all the time, whose to say, but if I never stop doing it for even a second, does it matter? I think the American people say no. I would. You bet your impolite word for bee-hind and I’m sorry for being so politically incorrect, but we do, and I think they do to. You bet they do.


Oh and also, Mr, Paul Ryan, Mister so-called Speaker in a House, just a news flash for you, your career is over. Oh, sure, maybe you think it’s a wise decision to sit on a fence of disrespecting the will of the people, but that will has a voice and it’s saying ‘No, Paul Ryan, no, you don’t get to say you’re not ready to support Mr. Donald Trump to be the nominee, because he is so, and for you to come out and say you won’t, well, we’ll just see about that.’ For myself, I will be steadfastly campaigning for Paul Nehlen, your opponent in the race for whatever all position it is you hold. You sir and your ilk have a problem which is they have become so disconnected from the people they were elected to represent. Their problem is they feel so threatened at this point that their power, their prestige, their purse will be adversely affected by this change that is coming with Trump. And my Purse, Mr. Ryan? It is very full, full to bursting with patriotism and love of county and crazy because I have to put all of that somewhere and I can only wear so much around my neck and on my sleeve, eventually I have to put the excess somewhere and that’s why I carry a purse and a backpack and one of those suitcases with the wheels on the bottom if I have to, which as a good American I do.


And no, I have not asked Paul Nehlen if he wants my support which I should have I guess, I did not make a call to him or if I did he did not return it, I don’t know, something happened, I sure recall that. Because as with Mr. Trump, he might find my supporting him to be not helpful, in that it might because so many people have in their eyes a bad opinion of me if I am honest, which I am honest, and that whole rock tied to a rope around your neck when you’re being dumped in the ocean thing I mentioned earlier. So if that’s the case, I’ll just not do that, but one thing is for sure which is ‘GO PAUL NEHLEN!’


Anyways, sorry for taking up your time saying for so long I won’t accept things I haven’t been offered or endorse people who may well not want my endorsement, but I knew I had to say something on account of my not having been quoted saying things that need to be said for almost a week and there are some things I just can’t sit still for as an American and that is one of them, the main one for the most part, which it is.


So, again, let’s make America great again, again. And again we can, together… again.


The New Donald Trump

You know, I never thought I’d be saying this but Donald Trump is looking, well, pretty Presidential all of a sudden. I know, I know! No one is more shocked than I am, but you have to admit it, the man is changing. Did you see his press conference after the New York primary? Where he referred to Ted Cruz as ‘Senator Ted Cruz’? Woah! It’s like, the guy who nicknamed Ted Cruz ‘Lyin’ Ted’ just vanished or something. That’s gravitas. I hate to admit it, but maybe this guy could be legit. I think maybe the Republican establishment could get in line behind Trump is he keeps this up. Did you notice later in the speech, he read from a teleprompter? I was, like, Jesus shit, that’s Kennedyesque! I literally did not know he could do that. I’ve been so afraid of his crazy ass, bombastic, xenophobic saber rattling crap, but you all saw it. He read actual, pre-written, scripted words off a machine, just like a normal, sane guy in the running for the position of most powerful man on earth. And then later in the speech? Where he only wet himself just a little? Like, a dime size spot on his pants? I mean, you know, this is a guy we’ve all come to expect a real trouser soaking from, pretty much every appearance he’s made up until this week he’s soaked his trousers to the point where they are totally saturated, the cloth cannot contain any more liquid, it’s just pouring off the cuffs like an open fire hydrant, and now? A dime size spot. A very presidential dime sized spot of pee on his pants during a speech. And yes, sure, he is still giving a monkey a hand job as the centerpiece of his rallies, but while the man may not be my candidate of choice, You have to be fair, it’s a much, much smaller monkey. Lately he doesn’t even always finish, he just gets that modestly sized, totally appropriate monkey going and then puts it back in its cage. Puts it right back in its cage. Like a President.


And no, before you ask, I am not going to vote for him. I’m still a Democrat, I’d take either Democratic candidate over Trump any day. All I’m saying is, I no longer feel like if Donald Trump is the Presidential candidate of a major American political party it’s a clear sign our system of government is collapsing. He can sometimes talk about rival without using offensive, childish nicknames, he is physically able to use a teleprompter to deliver statements that were written in advance instead of just shouting whatever the hell comes into his head, he wets himself a lot less than he used to and he’s sexually pleasuring significantly smaller monkeys at rallies, and often not to completion.


And that’s not even mentioning the fact that it’s been almost a month since he made any kind of reference to his Penis. Not even metaphorically. Think about that. He has not tried to remind the American people that his Penis is big for very close to a full month. You know which other candidate for President was famously able to go longer than a month without getting you to focus on his genitals? Abraham Lincoln. They didn’t call him ‘The Old Go-Longer-Than-A-Month-Without-Talking-About-His-Penis-Guy’ for nothing. And he turned out to be a pretty good President, too.


It’s impressive, and I think reassuring. The blinding light of New Trump makes it almost impossible to even see Old Trump behind it. There’s no reason whatsoever to believe that the Donald Trump we were all so afraid of just a week ago ever actually existed in any kind of real way.


Everything is going to be okay.

Super Tuesday Hangover

America Suffers Splitting Super Tuesday Headache

Hey, Gang! Here’s a link to my Super Tuesday article in Chelsea Now, a small New York City paper chock full of New York City Values!