What if Donald Trump Ran Against Donald Trump?

Okay, a lot of polls have come out lately that are really big for me. It’s true. It’s true. The polls coming out have me beating Hillary. But let me tell you something. Polls? Polls? Do you know what polls are? Do you know who responds to polls? Losers. They’re losers folks! They are! Believe me! They have land lines! That’s what you get those calls on, no one calls you on your cell and says “Who you gonna vote for?” It’s true. Polls are for hillbillies with land lines in their trailers.


And my supporters, they’re passionate, they’re very passionate people, they’re white, they’re many of them dirt poor, they’re ignorant, they’re white, they’re very, very stupid people, folks. So that’s the snapshot you get with a poll. Believe me. Little poor withe losers with debt coming out of their wherever just as dumb as a hammer telling some guy on the phone they’re gonna vote for me on their LAND LINE! Who even has those? Who still has those, do you people have those? Of course you do! That’s why you’re voting for me! I love my supporters, I do, I love them very, very much, because they can’t see how much they disgust me even when I make it obvious. Believe me. I make it very, very obvious. I’m the best at being obvious about people that disgust me. Believe me.


Chris Cjristie’s different. He knows he disgusts me. He has to, he has to! Look at him! Look at the fat, Jersey mug on that guy. I couldn’t look in a mirror if that was my face. I couldn’t. I’d hire the best white supremacist barber to shave me so I wouldn’t have to see my face if it was his. But Chris is going to vote for me! He went out and bought a land line so he could answer polls! I crushed him, I yumiliated him! He can’t get to the head of the line to kiss my ass fast enough! It’s like my ass is a donut! These are the people who vote for me! Sub normal white chumps with land lines and people like Chris who know better but when they see a donut like me, they have no control! Do you think that’s more than half the voters in the united states? I don’t, and I’m counting on it! Hey! I like gambling! I never thought I’d get this far! If I’m honest, I don’t even want to be President! I’d make a great host of being president. The ratings would go through the roof! But President? You people are so stupid! You have the best stupid.


My own kids couldn’t figure out how to vote in a primary! And they are so much better than you! Look at this crowd! Look at these beautiful people! My people are the best people, believe me, but how many of them do you think will be able to figure out how to register before the general election? How many could find the place you vote at? You have to be at the right place, I just found that out, you can’t just go where someone else is voting! It’s rigged! It is a rigged system. How many of them do you think could fill out an oval? I might not be able to! If I’m honest. Someone will show me, but on my own? I don’t even push the buttons on the elevator at Trump Tower! I don’t know how, I don’t do stuff like that, pushing buttons! I own the best, the very best white supremacist button pusher in New York, believe me. But I wouldn’t know what button he pushed even after I got out on the wrong floor! I’m very rich! If I’m honest I assume I know how to do things I don’t know how to do. Because I’ve always been very, very rich, folks. I am richer than all of you. Much richer. I have no idea how rich I am. I don’t know. I don’t know how you math that. When you negotiate you always tell people you’re the richest one there. No one knows who is. It’s too hard. So it’s possible my tax returns would say I’m not worth the amounts I make up based on how I feel about myself, which is pretty great. Why not? Why not? Believe me. So you are never going to see my tax returns. I’m going to release them. I am. I have no problem releasing my text returns after the election. I’m not going to release them, which I will release them at some point. I never said I would release them. Why would I say that? Can you believe the press? It’s disgusting. Oh boy. It is. I wanna see Wolf Blitzer’s tax return. It would be a short read. Because he’s not rich. No one cares about my tax returns, they’re long, my supporters don’t want something long, they are not strong readers.



I’m hard too look at, right? Come on, come on, a little. I do very good with the women. I do. Tens. The women love me. But not for what I look like. Come on! I’m a, what do you call it, a clinical narcissist, not a fuckin’ idiot. Right? I mean, I’m not as fat as Christie. I don’t have a disgusting woman body like Carly. I’m not a black guy like Carson or that, who was it, who was that little back guy that for a while was running? From Louisiana? Little guy. Skinny. But after that, I was the ugliest out of seventeen. It’s true! What color is my hair? Who knows? Sometimes it’s white, sometimes it’s yellow, sometimes it’s Ronald Macdonald color! It’s not even hair, it’s plastic strings! The very best white supremacist fake hair for baldies guy in Manhattan punched them into my head! It’s true! He had a gun! Like at the carnival games, so they can hang up all the made in china counterfeit Mario Brother’s plushies on the wall, they got a gun, pow, pow, it puts a hook right in their plush head! He had a gun just like that to put string in my head. You know, my head? With the white circles around my mouth and eyes, and everything else is pumpkin spice? Like I’m going to a minstrel show but I’m so stupid I don’t know what color black is, and then I go out in public looking like that? Believe me! Oh boy, folks! And I would do that! Be in a minstrel show! I would! I would! Because I do not like people who aren’t white, okay? Okay. They’re rapists. Okay.


Okay, lastly, I don’t bring this up because I don’t know enough about it to really to discuss it. I don’t, so I won’t bring it up, it’s out of bounds. But I will say, there are people who continue to bring it up because while I don’t know enough about it to say, those people are one hundred percent convinced that I have a micropenis. They say that Donald Trump has a tiny penis, something like a medium sized boiled shrimp. I don’t bring that up, because I don’t think it’s fair, and I only mention because I want to be clear that the people who are saying my penis is medically small, I can’t agree or disagree with those people, because I have not looked into my penis. I will. I will be looking into that. I have the very best white supremacist penis lookers on that right now and I will be making a statement one way or the other. So I’m not going to comment, which I don’t think I ever said I was going to comment. I don’t think that sounds like my voice. I just don’t. You do? Okay. Okay. I don’t hear that as my voice. It’s not my voice. Okay.




Sarah Palin on if she would be Donald Trump’s Running Mate, Verbatim, I swear, I Totally Didn’t Make All This Up, Okay Some of It.

“Well, you know, there’s a lot of people who are asking if Donald Trump asked, would I run with him to be the Vice Presidential Candidate on his ticket, and, well, sure, yes, if he honored me with asking a question like that well, heck, I’d have to say yes. But you know, I want to help, not hurt and I am such a realist that I realize there are a whole lot of people out there who would say, ‘Anybody but Palin.’. I wouldn’t want to be a burden on the ticket, and I realize in many, many eyes, I would be that burden, let’s be honest, I would be a stone on a rope around the neck of Donald Trump, a very, very large stone, which is bad enough at all but even worse in a situation where with that stone on a rope around your neck you get dumped into the ocean which is what in many people’s eyes would be what was going on with Donald Trump if he were to pick me to be the Vice President with him on that ticket for sure, unfortunately, is how some people would be viewing that situation.


I just want the guy to win. I want America to win. I want America to buy a power ball ticket and then the number gets called and America has the winning ticket and where the numbers go instead it would say Donald TRUMP… is the MAN … who is now your PRESIDENT… so you win, America! That’s what wining feels like! And I don’t know if I would be the person that would help him be the words on the power ball ticket where the numbers go when the numbers are the numbers you picked and you are America.


But you know, if Donald Trump were to put me on his short list for being picked to be the Vice President on that Power Ball ticket, one thing I will say is I don’t think I’d need much vetting. I think I’m pretty much as vetted as anybody in the country, I have been vetted to the point I’m a veteran of vetting and boy, I bet John Mccain, God bless him, wishes the majority of that vetting had taken place before he placed me on his ticket instead of after, but vetting is vetting no matter when it takes place, and boy oh boy did I get the doody vetted out of me! I don’t think if I got vetted again there’d be any new surprises because everybody at this point knows at this point that while you can’t prove I’m an alcoholic because I’m not so dumb as to let a doctor or policeman have any of my blood, I sure do talk like a person whose brain has been permanently damaged by something along the lines of liquor and maybe I just imitate that pattern of speeching all the time, whose to say, but if I never stop doing it for even a second, does it matter? I think the American people say no. I would. You bet your impolite word for bee-hind and I’m sorry for being so politically incorrect, but we do, and I think they do to. You bet they do.


Oh and also, Mr, Paul Ryan, Mister so-called Speaker in a House, just a news flash for you, your career is over. Oh, sure, maybe you think it’s a wise decision to sit on a fence of disrespecting the will of the people, but that will has a voice and it’s saying ‘No, Paul Ryan, no, you don’t get to say you’re not ready to support Mr. Donald Trump to be the nominee, because he is so, and for you to come out and say you won’t, well, we’ll just see about that.’ For myself, I will be steadfastly campaigning for Paul Nehlen, your opponent in the race for whatever all position it is you hold. You sir and your ilk have a problem which is they have become so disconnected from the people they were elected to represent. Their problem is they feel so threatened at this point that their power, their prestige, their purse will be adversely affected by this change that is coming with Trump. And my Purse, Mr. Ryan? It is very full, full to bursting with patriotism and love of county and crazy because I have to put all of that somewhere and I can only wear so much around my neck and on my sleeve, eventually I have to put the excess somewhere and that’s why I carry a purse and a backpack and one of those suitcases with the wheels on the bottom if I have to, which as a good American I do.


And no, I have not asked Paul Nehlen if he wants my support which I should have I guess, I did not make a call to him or if I did he did not return it, I don’t know, something happened, I sure recall that. Because as with Mr. Trump, he might find my supporting him to be not helpful, in that it might because so many people have in their eyes a bad opinion of me if I am honest, which I am honest, and that whole rock tied to a rope around your neck when you’re being dumped in the ocean thing I mentioned earlier. So if that’s the case, I’ll just not do that, but one thing is for sure which is ‘GO PAUL NEHLEN!’


Anyways, sorry for taking up your time saying for so long I won’t accept things I haven’t been offered or endorse people who may well not want my endorsement, but I knew I had to say something on account of my not having been quoted saying things that need to be said for almost a week and there are some things I just can’t sit still for as an American and that is one of them, the main one for the most part, which it is.


So, again, let’s make America great again, again. And again we can, together… again.