Christie Endorses Trump, The Full Text, Verbatim, I swear It.

A full text of the exact words Chris Christie’s endorsement of Donald Trump, not embellished by me or made up or augmented in any way whatsoever, not even a little bit by me, I swear it, cross my heart.


“Good morning everybody, thank you for being here, Um, I am proud to be here, to be here to endorse Donald Trump for President of the United States. Seriously. I hoped it would be the other way around, but whatever, right? I’m doing this for a number or reasons; Uh, first is, that Donald and I along with Melania and Mary Pat have been friends for a number of years. Really, really good friends, super good friends because he’s a very rich, very famous guy that just likes me a lot, which is not unusual, I have a lot of celebrity friends and rich friends that I hang out with who like me that I’m friends with. I don’t want to name drop, so lots just say a lot of wealthy celebrities let me spend time with them because we’re friends. Donald has been my loyal friend, and I’ve been his loyal friend and you can still run against someone for president and be loyal, as I am to him. If I’d won, I’d be able to do things for him, but it didn’t work out that way, and when he’s President, no doubt he can do the things for me loyal friends do. If he doesn’t win, whatever, my career is pretty much shot anyways. Which is not why I’m endorsing him. This is not a hail Mary endorsement. It’s a loyalty endorsement. I appreciate him as a person, and, uh, as a friend. A friend I maybe said at some point didn’t have the temperament to be President and whose ideas about Muslims I maybe called ‘stupid’, but friends can disagree, right? Which I don’t anymore about anything anyways, and I probably never did, people say things sometimes.


There is no candidate better prepared to provide America with the strong leadership that it needs. Both at home and around the world, than Donald Trump. No, I’m serious. Shut up. Okay, okay, for a while when I was running I thought experience actually working in government, and, you know, having at least a little idea of how civics actually works or something might be good preparation for being president, but apparently beauty pageants and reality shows are better. You people agree on that, right? Otherwise Donald would be endorsing me. So shut up. You wanted it different, you could have had it different, so just… shut the… just shut up… and let me do this.


He will provide strong, unequivocal leadership and do what needs to be done to protect the American people, first and foremost in the homeland and, and, uh, for creating jobs in this country, and he will make sure that people around the world know that America keeps it’s word again. It’s very important that countries and people keep their word. Donald Trump is a person, who, when he makes a promise, he keeps it. Which is not saying he promised me anything specific, I deny that, but if he did promise me something in return for endorsing him, I would expect he would keep that promise, because he is a man of his word, which is something I’m saying right from this stage and people had sure as hell better remember it because maybe you don’t have a long memory, but I do. I sure as hell do. A promise is a promise… something Donald Trump knows. He better know it. Humiliation isn’t free. I know he knows that because we’re good, good, loyal friends, and I’m endorsing him and no one goes down alone in America. Not loyal friends. I’m not threatening anyone. I’m not in any position to threaten anyone. You people made sure of that, didn’t you? It’s no big deal. It’s good.


And third… did I ever say second?… crap I never said ‘second’. The second thing was the keeping his word thing… or the unequivocal… leadership thing. Jesus. Okay, third, and I’ve said this all along, even when I was running, the single most important thing for the Republican party is to nominate the person who gives us the best chance to beat Hillary Clinton. The most important thing. More important than keeping anything resembling a Republican party intact, more important than giving the nuclear codes to a man who has some small idea of what Presidents even do, more important than not being laughed at by every single other country on earth, and I mean every single one, Lichtenstein is going to be laughing, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that we beat Hillary Clinton. And it will be Hillary Clinton, because Sanders, seriously, a Jew? As if. I like Jews fine, but a geriatric Jew hippie President? Grow up. And I hate Hillary. I hate her so friggin’ much. You don’t even know. The world can burn. I don’t care. You didn’t vote for me. Screw you. The only thing I hate more than you bastards is Hillary. So whatever, right? Who cares. If a lump of monkey crap had the best chance of beating Hillary I’d be enthusiastically endorsing a hunk of monkey crap right now. You think I’m kidding? I am not kidding. I’d literally endorse a hunk of monkey crap.


Look, Hillary and Bill Clinton, who may not be running, but we all still hate him, right? They know how to run the political playbook against a bunch of junior senators, who by the way don’t know shit about shit and you bastards voting for them instead of me is just the icing on the shit cake… But they have no idea how to run against Donald Trump, because he is rewriting the playbook, he’s, he’s, he doesn’t even know what a playbook is, I’m not totally sure he can ever read, I mean, yes, he probably knows how, but he doesn’t like to, right? What would he read? I say that as a loyal friend. The loyal friend of a man who can beat Hillary Clinton because for whatever screwed up reason, he seems to be what you people want. I can’t figure it outy. No one can! So whatever! I’m in! I’m on the crazy bus with everybody else! This is not shameful for me to do. It isn’t. He’s a man who keeps his promises.


So I am thrilled to be here this morning to lend my support. I am. Shut up. Was that laughing? Did I hear laughing? I said I’m thrilled, so that’s what I am, it’s not so hard to believe. You’re all going to get what you deserve. You think this is something? Listen, you watch, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to support this man right through November, whatever it takes, will I grovel? You bet I will. I will eat a pie contests worth of humble pie and I will be watching you while I do it, and remembering, with every swallow. Watching and remembering. And when someone keeps their word, a certain someone whose trademark is keeping his word, some of you will be sorry. Very, very sorry.


So, I , uh, I thank him for his friendship, and his loyalty, but more importantly I thank him for leaving the private sector, for being willing to step out of the private sector and offer himself for public service and leadership in this country and show us all, not least of all me, just what the people really want. Not what they say they want, but what they really, really want which you know what? I thought was what you wanted all along. I did. And I really did try to give it to you. What, I wasn’t loud enough? I wasn’t enough of a bully? Screw it. I should never have closed a lane on that bridge. I should have blown it right the fuck up. You’d have loved me then, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re gonna get what you ordered. I hope you like the taste.


So I’m happy to be on the Trump Team and I’m happy to be working with him. Okay? Okay. Okay. Shut up. You’ll see.


A Last Minute Open Letter from Donald Trump to the People of New Hampshire

Okay, so, I guess I’m getting a lot of heat is what it looks like, from people, certain people, maybe in the media, for some thing I said, supposedly said at a Rally here the other day before I flew home to sleep in my own bed in New York because, you know, I’m very rich, I have a lot of money, it’s true, an enormous amount, so I can fly back to New York and sleep in my own bed, a real bed, not a hotel bed, at one of my many homes, not because I can’t stand the thought of spending even one night in a place like New Hampshire, which I don’t know, maybe it’s a state, but because I’m very wealthy I can do whatever I want, if that’s what I want. I have my own money.


So I guess what I’m supposed to have said is that when the subject came up of waterboarding, which I think is a good thing, a very useful, good thing to do to a terrorist Isis Mulsim, apparently Ted Cruz also thinks it’s okay but is not cheering it on, He;s not really excited about it, I don’t know, when it comes up I don’t think his mouth waters, that’s my opinion. Maybe that means he cares if you die in a terrorism, but not enough to waterboard somebody for it, or at least not enough to sit and watch and maybe eat a big tub of popcorn and cheer a little bit during the waterboarding. And some people are saying I said that made Ted Cruz a Pussy, which is not true, in fact I told a person, a woman, a supporter, one of my very passionate supporters, that she should not say ‘Pussy’ and I didn’t want to ever again hear her call another candidate for President a pussy, especially not to call Ted Cruz a pussy and in the process of telling her not to do that I may have repeated that Ted Cruz was a pussy eight or maybe nine times. A dozen times, maybe, I don’t know. I wasn’t counting. I was admonishing.


So I didn’t say Ted Cruz was a pussy, I’m not saying right now Ted Cruz is a pussy, I don’t know, maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, I’m not saying one way or another, I repeated that he was a pussy, I reported that someone had said Ted Cruz was a pussy, because maybe not everyone heard her say it, and I have a microphone and it’s important, it’s important people should know it’s not politically correct to call Ted Cruz a pussy, so I admonished her. I wasn’t saying ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’, I was repeating ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’. It’s like retweeting. Like, you know, when I retweet a tweet that maybe is from a white supremacist or a Nazi or a child molester or a person who is an advocate for actually eating children, a child cannibal, you know, those aren’t necessarily my beliefs, I can’t be held responsible for the beliefs of someone I retweet. If I retweet the tweet of a man who is a proponent of having sex with dead bodies, that doesn’t mean that I am saying it’s good to have sex with dead bodies, I just liked their tweet and I passed it on. What, I see a tweet, I have to investigate and make sure that this is not the tweet of a dead body sexer? Of course not. Of course not. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to live in a country where if you like a tweet and you want to retweet it, first you have to find out about the sex habits of the tweeter and the live or dead status of the people that tweeter wants to have sex with when that isn’t even the subject of the tweets you are retweeting.


So when I repeated that Ted Cruz was a pussy, it’s not my responsibility that the amplified words ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’ gets heard at a rally. That’s not on me, folks. I would never, never say “Ted Cruz is a pussy”. Although maybe I would say that anyone who doesn’t want to set off a firework if they see a bad guy getting waterboarded, that doesn’t want to get it on the waterboarding and do the waterboarding personally, well that person is by definition a pussy, and if that’s the position Ted Cruz finds himself in vis a vis his pussyhood, that’s not my problem.


So anyway, if you live in New Hampshire and you haven’t voted for me yet, get the hell of your couch and go vote for me right now, I don’t know, I’m rich, I wrote a book, a book called ‘Art of the deal’, we’re going to get the smartest people, everyone else is idiots, and I heard someone say “Ted Cruz is a yuge Pussy.” God Bless and good night, I’d like to stay, I would, maybe, but I’d rather go back to my spacious palace in New York, maybe it’s me, but why sleep in a cow stall when you can sleep in a place a human being would sleep?

The Iowa Caucus Fracas

Stump Speech: The Iowa Caucus Fracas Edition

Mystified by the Iowa Caucuses? Hopefully my latest article for Chelsea now will clear some things up for you. Enraged by the state of our body politic? Sooth yourself with my insightful musings? Bored to tears with the entire electoral process? Share this article with ‘friends’!