What I Know About Pokemon

Boy oh boy, Pokemon sure is a big thing again, what with this Pokemon Go Phone App game. Everyone sure is playing it, and if they aren’t playing it, they’re on facebook talking about how much they hate everyone who’s playing it, which is kind of just a different way of playing it, so everyone is having fun! I’m not playing it, ‘cause I don’t have a phone! Because I hate the idea of other humans being able to call me with the expectation that I will talk to a small machine and pretend it’s them! But to each their own, and having fun is great, and it sure looks like all the people playing Pokemon Go are having a lot of fun. Except for those guys that found the dead body instead of the Pokemon. Or the guy who caused that major highway accident because he was having so much fun playing Pokemon go he forgot he was also driving a car! Mostly though, Pokemon Go! (does it have an exclamation point? If it doesn’t it should. I’m going to type it that way for the rest of this article.) seems like a blast, and with the way the world has been this last week, no wonder people want to totally lose themselves in a world where they wander around catching suidgy little monsters. I bet right now there’s a major protest of some kind disintegrating because everyone is playing Pokemon GO! And someone is failing to commit a hate crime ‘cause they just saw a squidgy little monster on their phone and it distracted them from doing their hate crime! Thanks Japan! Japan to the rescue!


Here’s what I know about Pokemon: Not much!


‘Pokemon’ means ‘pocket monster’, which sounds a little bit dirty. The most famousest Pokemon is named Pikachu (Peek-at-you) which also seems dirty. There is a balloon of him in the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade that seems to be either urinating on the crowd below or attempting to sexually dominate it. That’s how it looks! Maybe it’s me!


Other Pokemon have names like Bulbasaur (Bulb-is-sore) which also seems dirty and Squirtle (Squirtle) which seems dirty and nasty. Users capture Pokemon with their Pokeballs (possibly a medical condition?)


Pokemon is a card game and a video game and a cartoon and some sort of mind control platform, possibly Japanese in origin, but more likely extraterrestrial. Early versions fattened you up by making you passive, but Pokemon GO!!! Aims to make you walk and walk and walk, so apparently the Aliens have plenty of us to eat and now desire slave labor.


In all versions of Pokemon, users are instructed that they ‘gotta catch ‘em all’, something you will never do, because they evolve into ever more squidgy, morally questionable iterations, and the Aliens keep making new ones.


Pokemon GO!!!! Is apparently appealing to everyone. Just look out your window! Kids with cellphones playing GO POKEMON! Infants crawling on bloody knees with their cellphones catching Pokemons! Geriatric ancients tumbling over their walkers because they can’t use them and their cellphones at the same time, but they have their Pokeballs out and they are catching Pokemons while the play GO POKEMON GO, GO, GO!!! Dead people rising from the grave with their cellphones because you do not get to enjoy the sweet release of the true death until you have CAUGHT THEM ALL!!!


Apparently catching a Pokemon in your Pokeball releases a whole lot of endorphins. And that definitely seems dirty.




1.) Arrive early. You want a good seat, and you never know. This could be the year they start shooting them off before sunset.

2.) Wait. This early stage waiting is an excellent time to start working toward being abusively drunk, although a seasoned fireworks pro begins this around noon in the privacy of their own backyard, or behind a neighborhood dumpster. Most public fireworks viewing spaces have a ‘no alcohol’ policy, but it shouldn’t be taken seriously. Do you think the founding fathers were sober for even an instant during the revolution? Let me tell you – small arms fire, Dysentery, Gangrene, starvation and all male companionship go down a lot easier with a buzz on.

3.) If you brought your kids with you, now’s the time to yell at them. You want to do this while it’s still light enough so that other families know you have your offspring under control. That way once it’s dark you can let them run wild and no one will guess they’re yours. If you don’t have kids, yell at somebody else’s. It’s a great way to break the ice with their parents who may well have better snacks than you.

4.) Speculate loudly about when the hell they’re gonna get this show on the road.

5.) Tell your kids it has to be good and dark for a pretty long time before they can start the fireworks. When they ask why that would be, see how many reasons you can come up with that make any sense at all.

6.) Wait. Silently question why you come so early every year as thousands of unsupervised teenagers crowd in, obscuring your view.

7.) Spend some time thinking about what the impact on Gay culture in America would have been if halfway through the filming of “The Wizard of Oz”, Judy Garland suffered a stroke and the only one who could take on her role and complete the filming was you. (not everyone does this step, but ask around. I think you’ll be surprised)

8.) Listen as the bovine herd around you wonders if the obviously cheap, privately owned fireworks being shot off by neighbors might be the start of the show, and if so why is this town always so damn stingy with it’s tax dollars. Chuckle knowingly while privately worrying if this actually might be the case this year, even though it never has been before, even once.

9.) When the privately owned fireworks end, see if you can be the first one to loudly joke that it’s now time to go home.

10.) Wait. To amuse your family, play waiting for fireworks bingo. How many different whining, complaining, crying children can you count? How many drunken fathers, hollowly threatening to take everyone home right now? Use your flashlight to pick out silently seething Mothers and Dates.

11.) The show begins. Everyone will want to know your expert opinion on each firework, so make sure you use your ‘outdoor voice’ when you tell them.

12.) Wonder about Aerial Bombs, those deafeningly loud, big white flashes. What’s the point, beyond reminding you that these lovely flashes of light are supposed to suggest wartime lethal bombardment? Does anyone actually like them? Does the Mayor own stock? Are they really cheap? Do you get them free when you order a certain amount of ordinance?

13.) Worry that the small collection of fireworks that just went off together might be a particularly lame grand finale. Recall wondering this every year of your whole life, even though it’s always quite clear when the grand finale takes place. But what if this time it really is a particularly lame grand finale? Allow yourself to experience crushing disappointment coupled with the kind of depression that will put your head in the oven in the instant before the show starts up again.

14.) This small collection of fireworks going off at the same time is a little bigger than the last one. Maybe this is the grand finale. Wouldn’t that be lame? What the hell is wrong with this town? It’s not like they spend the taxes on the school system. Think longingly of your oven again, and it’s soothing, open mouth.

15.) Stare in slack jawed wonder at what is unmistakably, obviously, the grand finale. So big! Pretty light go boom! Thank God for the inventive spirit of the ancient Chinese and this great, wonderful country of ours, its freedoms, the sacrifices of its brave sons and daughters! Then tell everyone around you last year was better.

16) Bitch about the crowds, the traffic and the failure of fat, complacent local cops to confiscate illegal fireworks from dangerous unsupervised teens. Rage bitterly against the triple overtime extorted from the town budget just so the local boys in blue can make vague, non committal hand gestures at the slow motion, Demolition Derby that just hours ago was a semi civilized parking facility.

17.) Tell your family that if this is how they want to spend the 4th next year they can damn well do it without you.

18) in 365 days, repeat these steps with as few variations as possible.