Hey Kids! It’s me, your old pal, Federal Park Ranger David “Opie” Opossum!
Now, don’t be scared! I’m a real human being with real human feelings! Did y’all think I was some kind of freakish human/possum hybrid? Shucks, I was just born a touch on the homely side, which ain’t my fault, I have an unfortunate last name, also not my fault, and I suppose I should have shaved before coming out to do this campfire presentation, which is my fault! My bad kids!
Now According to ‘Opie’s Email Funbag For Kids’, it seems I was away for personal reasons so long, a lot of you were under the ‘oppression’ that ol’ Ranger Opie was dead! Heck, I was just playin’! Sorry, parents! See, if there’s two things opossum’s LOVE to do, it’s eat out of your garbage can in the middle of the night, play dead, and get crushed flat by cars! What? That’s three things? Well, no one said possums can count!
Hey! Now you know some Real True Animal Fun Facts about Opossums! Here’s another one: We Opossums are the only Marsupial’s in North America! Know what a Marsupial is? A critter that has tiny, repulsive, helpless little hairless blind babies ‘bout the size of one joint of your pinky finger! They’re born way too weak to live outside their Mommies’ birthamajiggy, so they crawl inside a ‘pouch’ and live there for a few months! Know what else is in the pouch? That’s right, good for you, Possum Mucus! Lots and lots of Possum Mucus!
Boy oh boy, learnin’ ‘bout animals sure is fun! Wanna learn some more? Great! How ‘bout one of you kids run on into the Package store over their and get your old uncle Federal Park Ranger Dave ‘Opie’ Opossum some of his learnin’ tonic and we’ll all settle in around the fire pit and learn some real true fun facts about animals! Just ask to see Randy an’ tell him it’s for me, he knows what I need. An’ if he gives you any shinola ‘bout not sellin’ alcohol to kids just remind him how camp fires sometimes get out of control!
Say, I know this fella! He’s a BROWN BEAR! His scientific name is Ursus Arctos! You can find this kind of bear all over the Northern Hemisphere. They’re big; they can weigh up to 1,500 pounds! That’s a lot of bear! Mighty fast too, for such a big guy. They been clocked runnin’ up to seventy five hundred miles an hour! That sure is faster than a scared kid. They hibernate, but not real deep, so I can’t say this emphatically enough, kids: Do NOT screw around with a hibernating Brown Bear. It will wake up cranky and whack your head clean off with one swipe of it’s meaty paw. Know how many kids we lost last year on account of irresponsible screwing around with hibernating Brown Bears? 718. That’s in this park alone.
Now this little critter is a lot less dangerous. You could crush one of these buggers under your boot, if you could catch up with ‘em, which you can’t unless you got, like a blowgun full of tranquilizer darts or somesuch. The EASTERN CHIPMUNK, or Tamias Striatusa. Cute, huh? They can climb trees as good as any squirrel, but they mostly prefer to live underground in complex tunnel and burrow systems. They store food down there, and treasure and Chipmunk porn. Female Chipmunks have two breeding seasons and have litters of two to four babies, called ‘pups’, ‘kits’ or ‘snake appetizers’. They are also the only mammals besides man that think piercings are sexy.
The BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER, or Loxosceles reclusa, of the family Sicariidae (formerly of the family Loxoscelidae) is usually between 1⁄4 and 3⁄4 inch (6-20mm) but may grow larger. It is brown and sometimes an almost deep yellow color and usually has markings on the dorsal side of its cephalothorax, with a black line coming from it that looks like a violin with the neck pointing to the rear of the spider, resulting in the nickname “fiddleback spider” or “violin spider”. Coloring varies from light tan to brown and the violin marking may not be visible. The bite of this highly toxic critter turns its’ victim into a zombie which can only be killed by destroying the brain. The severed heads of Brown Recluse Spider victims can live independently if removed, but pose little threat, as how the hell would they get around?
THOMSON’S HAIRLESS TROUSER BAT is extremely rare, endangered and may not be an animal at all. You’d need to ask Thompson, and be forewarned, he blushes like a school girl at the mere suggestion that you might like an exploratory gander. He’s sensitive!
This here’s the OCTOPUS, about which I know fuck all, as it is a sea creature. I’m told they exist on a diet of squid and small fish, have a fondness for opium and will be your best friend one day and cut you open from behind the next. Their Latin name is Marcus Aurelias unless I’m thinking of something else entirely, and the Japanese dry ‘em out, crush ‘em up and use the resulting flakes for something unspeakable.
The PROBISCUS MONKEY, or Nasilus Larvatus, lives only in Borneo and looks damn ridiculous. Long the butt of jokes that go something like “are you eating a banana, or just upside down and glad to see me” There are only about 3000 left alive, which to me is 3000 more than there would be if I lived in Borneo and had a big hammer. Other big nose animals are the Elephant, The Elephant seal, the Elephant shrew, and that guy in the movie ‘The Elephant Man’. It is unlikely that the Proboscis Monkey could cross breed with any of these other big nose creatures, but if it could, Brrrrr, Chucko, THAT shit would be a stone freak out!
The NORTHERN SPOTTY EWOK is perhaps Canada’s most insidious bowel parasite. Usually acquired by swimming in contaminated lakes, streams or sewage treatment leeching vats, it can only be flushed out of the system by consuming a very nearly fatal amount of gin and suffering the consequences.
The STANDARD MEXICAN FAIRY VOLE cannot be trusted.
The WALNUT, or Al-way Ut-nay, while not an animal in the strictest sense, is nocturnal, omnivorous, vituperative and caustic. When cornered it emits a viscous black fluid that causes blindness if it comes in contact with the eyes by way of being slathered on an immense wrecking ball swung into the victim’s face. The ‘horn’ of the walnut, highly favored by the Chinese as an aphrodisiac, is not a true horn, but rather the Walnut’s wallet. Jimminy!
The JAPANESE GIANT SALAMNDER is the most disgusting animal on the planet, bar none. This slimy, secretive bastard should be shot on site as its very existence gives me the horrors. Anyone who says ‘God is Love’ needs to be stuffed in a sack with one of these hideous, gooey, violent and depraved monstrosities until their views on the nature of God become more aligned with the idea of a creator who allows such despicable filth to exist. Extinction is too good for them. Someone needs to go back in time terminator style and prevent them from ever coming into being.
Well kiddies, that’s all the time Ranger Opie has to learn you up on fun animal facts! Us Federal Park Employees need our beauty sleep, especially those of us with nauseating hairless tails hanging off their backsides. Thanks for liquoring me up, and remember, human life as we know it is already pretty much doomed by the massive amounts of Carbon Dioxide it spewed into the atmosphere before it had any idea at all what it was doing, so you might as well do whatever floats your boat now, ‘cause it’s just too damn late. Any of you kids need anything in the middle of the night, it’s no use yelling, as chances are pretty good Ranger Opie will be a road pizza about ten minutes from now. Hey, I’m three years old, I’m livin’ on borrowed time.