What I Know About Pokemon

Boy oh boy, Pokemon sure is a big thing again, what with this Pokemon Go Phone App game. Everyone sure is playing it, and if they aren’t playing it, they’re on facebook talking about how much they hate everyone who’s playing it, which is kind of just a different way of playing it, so everyone is having fun! I’m not playing it, ‘cause I don’t have a phone! Because I hate the idea of other humans being able to call me with the expectation that I will talk to a small machine and pretend it’s them! But to each their own, and having fun is great, and it sure looks like all the people playing Pokemon Go are having a lot of fun. Except for those guys that found the dead body instead of the Pokemon. Or the guy who caused that major highway accident because he was having so much fun playing Pokemon go he forgot he was also driving a car! Mostly though, Pokemon Go! (does it have an exclamation point? If it doesn’t it should. I’m going to type it that way for the rest of this article.) seems like a blast, and with the way the world has been this last week, no wonder people want to totally lose themselves in a world where they wander around catching suidgy little monsters. I bet right now there’s a major protest of some kind disintegrating because everyone is playing Pokemon GO! And someone is failing to commit a hate crime ‘cause they just saw a squidgy little monster on their phone and it distracted them from doing their hate crime! Thanks Japan! Japan to the rescue!


Here’s what I know about Pokemon: Not much!


‘Pokemon’ means ‘pocket monster’, which sounds a little bit dirty. The most famousest Pokemon is named Pikachu (Peek-at-you) which also seems dirty. There is a balloon of him in the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade that seems to be either urinating on the crowd below or attempting to sexually dominate it. That’s how it looks! Maybe it’s me!


Other Pokemon have names like Bulbasaur (Bulb-is-sore) which also seems dirty and Squirtle (Squirtle) which seems dirty and nasty. Users capture Pokemon with their Pokeballs (possibly a medical condition?)


Pokemon is a card game and a video game and a cartoon and some sort of mind control platform, possibly Japanese in origin, but more likely extraterrestrial. Early versions fattened you up by making you passive, but Pokemon GO!!! Aims to make you walk and walk and walk, so apparently the Aliens have plenty of us to eat and now desire slave labor.


In all versions of Pokemon, users are instructed that they ‘gotta catch ‘em all’, something you will never do, because they evolve into ever more squidgy, morally questionable iterations, and the Aliens keep making new ones.


Pokemon GO!!!! Is apparently appealing to everyone. Just look out your window! Kids with cellphones playing GO POKEMON! Infants crawling on bloody knees with their cellphones catching Pokemons! Geriatric ancients tumbling over their walkers because they can’t use them and their cellphones at the same time, but they have their Pokeballs out and they are catching Pokemons while the play GO POKEMON GO, GO, GO!!! Dead people rising from the grave with their cellphones because you do not get to enjoy the sweet release of the true death until you have CAUGHT THEM ALL!!!


Apparently catching a Pokemon in your Pokeball releases a whole lot of endorphins. And that definitely seems dirty.