The New Donald Trump

You know, I never thought I’d be saying this but Donald Trump is looking, well, pretty Presidential all of a sudden. I know, I know! No one is more shocked than I am, but you have to admit it, the man is changing. Did you see his press conference after the New York primary? Where he referred to Ted Cruz as ‘Senator Ted Cruz’? Woah! It’s like, the guy who nicknamed Ted Cruz ‘Lyin’ Ted’ just vanished or something. That’s gravitas. I hate to admit it, but maybe this guy could be legit. I think maybe the Republican establishment could get in line behind Trump is he keeps this up. Did you notice later in the speech, he read from a teleprompter? I was, like, Jesus shit, that’s Kennedyesque! I literally did not know he could do that. I’ve been so afraid of his crazy ass, bombastic, xenophobic saber rattling crap, but you all saw it. He read actual, pre-written, scripted words off a machine, just like a normal, sane guy in the running for the position of most powerful man on earth. And then later in the speech? Where he only wet himself just a little? Like, a dime size spot on his pants? I mean, you know, this is a guy we’ve all come to expect a real trouser soaking from, pretty much every appearance he’s made up until this week he’s soaked his trousers to the point where they are totally saturated, the cloth cannot contain any more liquid, it’s just pouring off the cuffs like an open fire hydrant, and now? A dime size spot. A very presidential dime sized spot of pee on his pants during a speech. And yes, sure, he is still giving a monkey a hand job as the centerpiece of his rallies, but while the man may not be my candidate of choice, You have to be fair, it’s a much, much smaller monkey. Lately he doesn’t even always finish, he just gets that modestly sized, totally appropriate monkey going and then puts it back in its cage. Puts it right back in its cage. Like a President.


And no, before you ask, I am not going to vote for him. I’m still a Democrat, I’d take either Democratic candidate over Trump any day. All I’m saying is, I no longer feel like if Donald Trump is the Presidential candidate of a major American political party it’s a clear sign our system of government is collapsing. He can sometimes talk about rival without using offensive, childish nicknames, he is physically able to use a teleprompter to deliver statements that were written in advance instead of just shouting whatever the hell comes into his head, he wets himself a lot less than he used to and he’s sexually pleasuring significantly smaller monkeys at rallies, and often not to completion.


And that’s not even mentioning the fact that it’s been almost a month since he made any kind of reference to his Penis. Not even metaphorically. Think about that. He has not tried to remind the American people that his Penis is big for very close to a full month. You know which other candidate for President was famously able to go longer than a month without getting you to focus on his genitals? Abraham Lincoln. They didn’t call him ‘The Old Go-Longer-Than-A-Month-Without-Talking-About-His-Penis-Guy’ for nothing. And he turned out to be a pretty good President, too.


It’s impressive, and I think reassuring. The blinding light of New Trump makes it almost impossible to even see Old Trump behind it. There’s no reason whatsoever to believe that the Donald Trump we were all so afraid of just a week ago ever actually existed in any kind of real way.


Everything is going to be okay.


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