For the last two days, it seems as if America can’t think of anything except Donald Trump’s penis. It’s all that’s being talked about, written about and spoken of on TV. My Facebook feed is all Donald Trump’s Penis all the time. I myself have spoken of little else. It’s like a song you can’t get out of your head, an ear worm, except in this case the worm in your ear is Donald Trump’s penis. Nobody wants that.
So, in an effort to help myself, America and the world, I have written this list of things to think about besides Donald Trump’s Penis.
1.) Global Warming.
2.) The Zika Virus.
3.) The wealth gap.
4.) What are we having for supper?
5.) What was that thing I promised myself I was going to get done today?
6.) Is it too late to do a significant portion of the things I wanted to do with my life?
7.) Am I kidding myself regarding the types of things I can do with my life?
8.) Is this cheese still okay to eat two days after the sell by date?
9.) Marco Rubio’s Penis.
10.) John Kasich’s Penis.
11.) What can I do to stop myself from ever, ever thinking about Ted Cruz’s penis? Is pinching myself real hard enough? What about biting the inside of my cheek? Do I need to cut myself? I might need to cut myself.
12.) My rage at Donald Trump for by association making me think of Ted Cruz’s penis.
13.) Bernie Sander’s elderly, Jewish, socialist penis.
14.) Hillary Clinton’s not penis.
15.) Penis, penis, penis, penis, everyone’s penis, everyone on earth and all their penises.
16.) Donald Trump’s penis. GOD DAMN IT!
17.) My rage at myself for thinking about Donald Trump’s penis, when the entire point of this exercise was not to think about Donald Trump’s GOD DAMN IT!
18.) La la la, singing with my fingers in my ears, la la la, penis, penis, okay I am cutting myself.
19.) Where are the band aids? I know we have band aids. I just bought band aids not one week ago, why is everything in this house always penis? Missing. I said missing.
20.) Ebola. It seems like forever since I thought about Ebola. That’s a fun thing to think about, right?
21.) What the hell was I thinking when I only bought ten boxes of girl scout cookies? Is there a way to get Girl Scout cookies out of season? Is it out of season yet? Why the hell don’t they just sell them all year? What kind of crazy ass business plan is it to only sell something once a damn year?
22.) Is it Girlscout or Girl Scout or Girl scout? I’m pretty sure if I really focus on Girl Scouts I won’t think about OH CRAP, SHIT, GOD DAMN IT, OH I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I ALREADY HATED YOU BEFORE I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR GOD DAMN PENIS ALL THE TIME!
23.) My shame, regret and sorrow over the failure of this list.
24.) My shame, regret and sorrow that since you are reading this list, I have published it and promoted it, which I was in no way required to penis.
25.) Donald Trump’s horrible, stubby, orange, tootsie roll fingers.
26.) A Baboon in an Iron Lung, looking at you in the mirror positioned above it’s head, the eyes so piercing, so human, filled with pity, filled with the knowledge of what you are thinking about.
27.) My amazement that even thinking about a Baboon in an Iron Lung leads directly to thinking about you know what.
28.) This will pass. This will pass. People will think about other things someday soon. There are so many other things to think about even though thinking about other things necessarily entails thinking about not thinking about KILL ME, JUST KILL ME, SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!
29.) Is Trump Tower named after it?
30.) DAMN IT!
31.) It’s orange.
32.) It has a tiny toupee.
33.) It says “I’m Yuge! YUUUUUGE!” but in a tiny, shrill cartoon mouse voice. It won’t stop shrieking.
34.) Where is my hammer?
35.) My rage and anger that the many, many terrible, worrisome things about this election have been reduced and compressed into Donald Trump’s wing-wang.
36.) See how I did that? Wing-wang. That’s better. I feel better.
38.) Elbow Noodle.
39.) Horrible, horrible, dangley fidgety bit.
40.) The distinct possibility that he doesn’t have one, that he is as blunt and shiny as a Ken Doll down there. Hey. Hey, that works for me. I’m not going to question it. I’m good. I’m good now. I’m going to go with that. You’re welcome.