A Last Minute Open Letter from Donald Trump to the People of New Hampshire

Okay, so, I guess I’m getting a lot of heat is what it looks like, from people, certain people, maybe in the media, for some thing I said, supposedly said at a Rally here the other day before I flew home to sleep in my own bed in New York because, you know, I’m very rich, I have a lot of money, it’s true, an enormous amount, so I can fly back to New York and sleep in my own bed, a real bed, not a hotel bed, at one of my many homes, not because I can’t stand the thought of spending even one night in a place like New Hampshire, which I don’t know, maybe it’s a state, but because I’m very wealthy I can do whatever I want, if that’s what I want. I have my own money.


So I guess what I’m supposed to have said is that when the subject came up of waterboarding, which I think is a good thing, a very useful, good thing to do to a terrorist Isis Mulsim, apparently Ted Cruz also thinks it’s okay but is not cheering it on, He;s not really excited about it, I don’t know, when it comes up I don’t think his mouth waters, that’s my opinion. Maybe that means he cares if you die in a terrorism, but not enough to waterboard somebody for it, or at least not enough to sit and watch and maybe eat a big tub of popcorn and cheer a little bit during the waterboarding. And some people are saying I said that made Ted Cruz a Pussy, which is not true, in fact I told a person, a woman, a supporter, one of my very passionate supporters, that she should not say ‘Pussy’ and I didn’t want to ever again hear her call another candidate for President a pussy, especially not to call Ted Cruz a pussy and in the process of telling her not to do that I may have repeated that Ted Cruz was a pussy eight or maybe nine times. A dozen times, maybe, I don’t know. I wasn’t counting. I was admonishing.


So I didn’t say Ted Cruz was a pussy, I’m not saying right now Ted Cruz is a pussy, I don’t know, maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, I’m not saying one way or another, I repeated that he was a pussy, I reported that someone had said Ted Cruz was a pussy, because maybe not everyone heard her say it, and I have a microphone and it’s important, it’s important people should know it’s not politically correct to call Ted Cruz a pussy, so I admonished her. I wasn’t saying ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’, I was repeating ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’. It’s like retweeting. Like, you know, when I retweet a tweet that maybe is from a white supremacist or a Nazi or a child molester or a person who is an advocate for actually eating children, a child cannibal, you know, those aren’t necessarily my beliefs, I can’t be held responsible for the beliefs of someone I retweet. If I retweet the tweet of a man who is a proponent of having sex with dead bodies, that doesn’t mean that I am saying it’s good to have sex with dead bodies, I just liked their tweet and I passed it on. What, I see a tweet, I have to investigate and make sure that this is not the tweet of a dead body sexer? Of course not. Of course not. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to live in a country where if you like a tweet and you want to retweet it, first you have to find out about the sex habits of the tweeter and the live or dead status of the people that tweeter wants to have sex with when that isn’t even the subject of the tweets you are retweeting.


So when I repeated that Ted Cruz was a pussy, it’s not my responsibility that the amplified words ‘Ted Cruz is a pussy’ gets heard at a rally. That’s not on me, folks. I would never, never say “Ted Cruz is a pussy”. Although maybe I would say that anyone who doesn’t want to set off a firework if they see a bad guy getting waterboarded, that doesn’t want to get it on the waterboarding and do the waterboarding personally, well that person is by definition a pussy, and if that’s the position Ted Cruz finds himself in vis a vis his pussyhood, that’s not my problem.


So anyway, if you live in New Hampshire and you haven’t voted for me yet, get the hell of your couch and go vote for me right now, I don’t know, I’m rich, I wrote a book, a book called ‘Art of the deal’, we’re going to get the smartest people, everyone else is idiots, and I heard someone say “Ted Cruz is a yuge Pussy.” God Bless and good night, I’d like to stay, I would, maybe, but I’d rather go back to my spacious palace in New York, maybe it’s me, but why sleep in a cow stall when you can sleep in a place a human being would sleep?


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