Fifty New or Returning Pumpkin Spice Products

1.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice Coffee!

2.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice Latte!

3.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice K-cup pods!

4.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumkpin Spice Cheesecake Square with or without Pumpkin Spice frosting drizzles but we just toss out the ‘without’ ones at the end of the day ‘cause Pumkin Spice Drizzles? What?!

5.) Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats!

6.) McCormicks Pumpkin Spice!

7.) Durkee Pumpkin Spice!

8.) Spice Islands Pumpkin Spice!

9.) Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M’s!

10.) Pumpkin Spice Lik-M-Aid Lik-em Stiks Candy Powder Pouches!

11.) ‘Little Tree’ brand Pumpkin Spice hang from your rear view mirror car air fresheners that are orange and shaped like a pumpkins instead of green and shaped like trees! Neat!

12.) Slim Jim Pumpkin Spice beef sticks that taste like a cold tube of boiled offal that was in your crisper drawer next to a cinnamon bun for a year but you eat it anyway and with JOY ‘cause it’s AUTUMN and PUMKIN SPICE!

13.) Pumpkin Spice Peeps which you haven’t seen yet but you are pretty sure are orange and shaped like Pumkins and OH BOY!

14.) Red Robin’s Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Pie Shakes!

15.) International Delight Pumpkin Spice non-dairy Creamer!

16.) Pillsbury Pumpkin Spice cinnamon rolls that fill your whole kitchen with the scent of CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF AUTUMN and probably doesn’t give you CANCER!

17.) Duncan Hines Pumpkin Spice frosting that everybody knows you will never put on a cake because you are right now hunkered down under the sink eating it straight out of the tub with YOUR FINGERS while WEEPING DESPERATELY over AUTUMN SCENTED MEMORIES of a childhood that was in EVERY WAY superior to your CURRENT LIFE!

18.) Frito-Lay Pumpkin Spice Extra Cripsy Cheezey Doodle Puffers!

19.) Pumpkin Spice flavored surgical grade stomach pump tubing!

20.) Pumpkin Spice scented latex gloves for the discerning EMT!

21.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice Munchkin Donut Hole Treats!

21.) Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice Secret Recipe Behind the Dumpster Crystal Meth!

22.) Stop n’ Shop Store Brand Pumpkin Spice Pasta Sauce because I SHIT YOU NOT, I did not make that one up and I think they are considering changing their name to Stop n’ Vomit!

23.) Doc Hallucino’s Olde Tyme Preparation that makes you see a tiny, pert little blond lady sitting on your shoulder and never shutting up for even a second about how much she fucking loves PUMPKIN SPICE!

24.) PUMPKIN SPICE! PUMPKIN SPICE!!

25.) SHUT UP TINY BLOND LADY, STOP, STOP, OH GOD I CAN’T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT PUMKIN SPICE!

26.) Ace Pumpkin Spice Scented, Pumpkin Decorated Duct Tape!

27.) Home Depot Pumpkin Spice Scented Very Waterproof Tarps!

28.) Walgreen’s Scratch-n-sniff Pumpkin Spice scented Pumpkin Decals Especially Designed for Windowless Vans!

29.) Friskies Pumpkin Spice n’ Gravy Cat Food Shreds!

30.) Pop-Tart brand Pumpkin Spice Pop-Tart Toaster Pastries!

31.) Yankee Candle Traditional Mee-Maw’s Kitchen Pumpkin Spice Scented Candles that if you light enough of them will sweep you away into memories of the perfect New England Autumns of your Childhood to such a degree that you will be unable to recall all of the very bad stuff you have done!

32.) Poorly Paid, State Provided Pumpkin Spice Public Attorneys!

33.) THE LADY SAID I HAD TO DO IT! THE LITTLE LADY ON MY SHOULDER! PUMKIN SPICE! PUMKIN SPICE! KILL YOU, KILL YOU, KILL YOU, PUMPKIN SPICE!

34.) Mrs. Dash Pumpkin Spice Salad Sprinkles!

35.) Tony Chachere’s Blackened Pumpkin Spice that makes everything taste like a Yankee French Kissing a Cajun Swamp Bastard!

36.) Hostess Pumpkin Spice Twinkies!

37.) Smith n’ Wesson Pumpkin Spice Hollow Tip Rounds to put in your Pumpkin Spice Unregistered Hand gun so you can blow out your Pumpkin Spice brain and for Gods sake FINALLY STOP WITH THE PUMPKIN SPICE BUT YOU WON’T BECAUSE YOU NEED TO STOP BUT YOU HAVEN’T HIT BOTTOM YET!

38.) Big Ass Container of Store Brand Pumpkin Spice that is mostly Cinnamon, Chalk Dust and Brown but only costs THREE DOLLARS so PUMPKIN SPICE!

39.) Johnson and Johnson Pumpkin Spice Sensory Depravation tanks so you can get rid of all the CRAP in LIFE that is distracting you from PUMPKIN SPICE!

40.) Life Alert Pumpkin Spice Necklace with which to contact emergency services if you fall and shatter a hip and can’t reach the PUMPKIN SPICE!

41.) PLEASE, TINY PERT BLOND LADY, OH, GOD, PLEASE, THAT PAIN FROM MY SHATTERED HIP IS SO BAD, PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT PUMPKIN SPICE AND JUST GET ME SOME FUCKING PUMPKIN SPICE! Oh, god, you’re not real. Oh, god.

42.) Dunkin’ donuts Pumpkin Spice Curare Blend Tincture on the end of a sharpened hickory switch jammed through your eye and directly into your brain by a Dunkin’ Donuts employee as you walk through the door making you now and forever a Pumpkin Spice Zombie Slave!

43.) Pumpkin Spice Gut Punch!

44.) Pumpkin Spice Sudden Realization that your memories of perfect childhood autumns never existed, that your childhood was in fact by turns terrifying, disappointing and stultifyingly boring and that whatever the hell is going on in your head every time you smell or taste the synthetic Pumpkin Spice The Man pumps into every damn thing you encounter at this time of year has nothing to do with anything you ever Pumpkin Spice, Pumpkin Spice, don’t think of anything, shh, shh now Pumpkin Spice.

45.) Pumpkin Spice!

46.) Pumpkin Spice!

47.) What did you just think about now, Chump? That’s right, Pumpkin Spice. Better damn be Pumpkin Spice. Pumpkin Spice!

48.) What’s your name? WHAT’S YOUR DAMN NAME?! That’s right. That’s good. Pumpkin Spice. That’s your damn name.

49.) Why you got to be so mean, little blond lady? Pumpkin Spice? Pumpkin Spice?

50.) Pumpkin Spice!

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3 thoughts on “Fifty New or Returning Pumpkin Spice Products

  1. 31. Hahaha. I’d like to commission you to write exclusively on the bizarre phenomenon of the Yankee Candle. They have their own shops. Here. In fucking Ireland. Dating and trick or treating we can just about handle, but this is an import too far.

    Like

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