How the Lord of the Rings Would Have Been Different if I Had Been Tasked With Carrying the One Ring Instead of Frodo

GANDALF:
 This is the One Ring. Forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself. For sixty years, the ring lay quiet in Bilbo’s keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age, but no longer, Max. Now…I’m sorry, did I say something amusing?
ME:
 What?… Oh, no, no. Go on, you were saying something about Sauron-
GANDAlF:
 Evil is stirring in Mordor. The ring has awoken. It has heard it’s master’s call… what the devil are you laughing about?
ME:
 Nothing, nothing, it’s not important-
GANDALF:
 OUT WITH IT!
ME:
 Okay, okay, its just Bilbo’s name strikes me funny sometimes.
GANDALF:
 What?
ME:
 It’s just, you know, ‘Bilbo’ you only have to change, like two letters, and it’s… you know…
(pause)
I mean when his parents named him… Like shouldn’t a nurse or something have said, like, “Hey, you can’t call the kid that, it’s sounds like… like…
(pause)
See, I knew you wouldn’t think it was funny. Just go on.

***

ME:
 Take it Gandalf, take it! You must take it!


GANDALF: 
 You cannot offer me this Ring…


ME: 
 I am giving it to you!


GANDALF: 
 Don’t… tempt me, Max! I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand, Max, I would use this ring from a desire to do good, but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine… Max?… MAX! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!
ME:
 Huh? OH! In here? This is where I keep… like… heavy clothes and stuff, you know, winter, winter things that take up too much… There isn’t a secret tunnel in here, like a hiddden exit for if someone has to leave secretly in a hurry or anything if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just a normal… you know, totally normal… like… linen closet. Oh, hey! I thought I lost this sweater! That’s good. That I found this. ‘Cause I sure like this sweater… Thought I lost it. Here it is, though.

***

GANDALF: 
 Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

SAM: 
 I ain’t been droppin’ no eaves, sir, honest. I was just cuttin’ the grass under the window there, if you follow me…


GANDALF: 
 A little late for trimming the verge, don’t you think?


SAM: 
 I heard raised voices…


GANDALF: 
 What did you hear? Speak!


SAM: 
 Well, nothin’ important… that is, I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord and somethin’ about the end of the world… But, please, Mr. Gandalf sir, don’t hurt me… don’t turn me into anythin’… unnatural!
ME:
 Hey, I know! Let’s make Sam take the ring!

***

STRIDER: 
 You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. ‘Underhill’.


ME: 
 What do you want?


STRIDER: 
 A little more caution from you… That is no trinket you carry.
ME: 
 What, this?
STRIDER:
 That is a pen.
ME:
 I know, but look, when you turn it upside down, her Elf bathing suit totally slides off. Oh, did you mean the One Ring? Do you want it? ‘Cause you can totally have it, like, right now.

***

MERRY:
 Why is my backpack so heavy all of a sudden?
ME:
 No reason. Listen, I’m just going to find a really good tree to relieve myself behind. That one way over there looks good and private. You guys go on, I’ll catch right up.

***

ME:
 Oh, my God, he has such a stick up his ass! Like if Strider had a magic invisibility ring he wouldn’t pull my pants down every once in a while.

***

ELROND: 
 Strangers from distant lands, friends of old…You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this one fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Max.


BOROMIR: 
 So it is true… It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!
ME:
 Here, catch!

***

GIMLI: 
 I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf… Never trust an elf!

(All jump up and start shouting.)

ME: 
 I will take it. (no one hears him the first time)
I will take it! (louder)
I will take the Ring to Mordor.
(everyone pauses and turns to look at him)
No, I’m kidding, this thing is crazy dangerous, one of you guys take it. It’s just, like, everyone was getting so heavy, I thought I’d just, you know, lighten things… lighten things…
Why’s everybody lookin’ at me?

***

ME:
 Look, all’s I’m saying is, it’s bullshit the Wookie didn’t get a medal. Prejudice, right? Am I the only one drinking at this campfire? Who’s hogging the elf jerky?

***

(The Fellowship is making its way up the mountain when Max slips and falls. When he gets up, he realizes that he is no longer wearing the Ring. We see Boromir picking it up on its chain)


ARAGORN: 
 Boromir!


BOROMIR: 
 It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing…


ARAGORN: 
 Boromir! Give the Ring to Max!


BOROMIR: 
 As you wish, I… Hey, where’d he go? Max? Max?

***

ME: 
 If you ask it of me, I will give you the one Ring.


GALADRIEL: 
 You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a dark lord you would have a queen, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!
No. I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Galadriel.
ME:
 Whatever, I mean, I think you looked great just then, but if you don’t think you should TAKE IT, TAKE IT, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOU, ARE YOU ELVES ALL FUCKING CRAZY?! BOROMIR!! BOROMIR!! WHERE THE HELL IS BOROMIR?!

***

ME:
 OOOOOooooH! WoooOOOOOOoooooo! What’s holding this bacon in the air? Oh, look out Sam, HAUNTED BACON! THE HANUTED BACON OF NUMENOR!!

***

ME:
 So, uh, I looked all through my pack, like, twice, and it’s just not there, I think maybe I left it back at the, what, the place, the ‘Prancing Pony’, I was leaving a tip for the maid and I think I just, you know, just by accident… Oh, oh, you’re right, we have seen it since then, if it was that ring, but see, that’s where I think we got confused, ‘Cause, and this was probably stupid, I brought a few rings with me, I really like rings, I’m kind of a ring guy, so I think the best thing would be if you guys went back to where Galadriel had that mirror, cause I know we saw a ring back there which might have been the One Ring, and I’ll go back to the ‘Prancing Pony’ and… and…

I fuckin’ hate you guys.


***

ME:
 Oh! Oh! SAM! Your frying pan’s all haunted and shit! LOOK OUT!

***

SAM: 
 I made a promise, Mr. Burbank, a promise. Don’t you leave him, Samwise Gamgee, and I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to…

ME:
 Jesus. It’s me, isn’t it? ‘Oh, Oh, Let’s make Max take the ring to Mount Doom and lets not bring any women at all in the whole entire group, ‘cause it’s a ‘fellowship’, right? I can’t believe I didn’t see it.

I mean, no offense. It’s cool. You’re cool. It’s just…

You know, this isn’t my… my kind of…

I’m strictly for the ladies, okay?

Listen, listen, this is totally awkward and now I’ve offended everybody, I was obviously way off base thinking… thinking… I think the best, least awkward thing to do would be for you to take the ring, Sam and that way… no? No? How about that Gollum kid, you know, the kind of… scrawny guy that’s been following us and hiding for like… days? He seems like a pretty decent guy.

***

ME:
 Okay, I do not see what the big deal with me thinking you guys were gay is. I mean, I’m fine with people being gay, I have no problem with that, if you all think it was so weird for me to think what I thought then maybe you guys are the homophobes, and you know, you know, no one’s even SEEN a girl Dwarf, Gimli, so I hardly think it was out of line for me to assume… Okay, so we’re all just going to be quiet. So mature.

***

ME:
 WoooooooH! I’m the ghost socks of Isildur!

***

ME:
 Legolas is gay though, right? I mean, you know, whatever, but seriously. Oh, what, so nobody’s talking to me now, right? Fine, fine, I’ll just carry the friggin’ one ring by myself and not talk to anybody. Know what? Know what? I’m just gonna throw it. I am. I am, I’m gonna huck this bastard as far as I can-

Okay shorty, put the axe away for Christ sake. Kidding, okay? I know that’s like totally foreign to your various cultures.

Fuckin’ hate you guys.

***

ME: Okay, shh, now, just shh, you’re gonna wake them up, Hey watch out for the CAMPFIRE! OH MY GOD YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO THE FRIGGIN’ CAMPFIRE! OH MY GOD, I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU, IT’S OUT, YOU’RE NOT EVEN BADLY BURNED, JUST… great, now everybody’s awake. You are SUCH a friggin’ idiot Gollum! DAMN IT! How the HELL does anybody walk into a CAMPFIRE in the DARK?

***

ME:
 Sam, just admit it. Seriously, it’s like Brokeback Friggin’ Mountain plus Gollum. Brokeback friggin’ Three Stooges is what. I mean it’s 2015, I’m not offended, I’m flattered, I’m just not interested.

Fine, sulk.

I am so friggin’ hungry. I could eat this ring. I seriously could.

***

ME:
 Are you cold? I am so friggin’ cold. Listen, listen, listen, I tell you what, me and Gollum will take the first watch, right, you wrap up in the blankets, get some shut eye, I totally won’t give him the ring while you’re sleeping. Seriously, he doesn’t even want it anymore, right Gollum? Right?
Oh my God Gollum, you are such a friggin’ MORON! COULD YOU JUST FOR ONE SECOND STOP WITH THE DROOLING AND HISSING AND JUST PLAY ALONG?! JESUS! Do you want the damn ring or WHAT?! Idiot.

I hate you, Sam. I mean it. You too, Gollum. Scrawny, filthy… whatever the hell you are. Put some clothes on. Jesus. SHUT IT! It coulda been your precious, but it’s not. Because who blew it? You did. Stop it. Stop crying.

***

ME:
 Oh my GOD THAT IS THE BIGGEST GODDAMN SPIDER I EVER… TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE THE RING, IT’S SHINY, SPIDER LIKE SHINY, SPIDER LIKE SHINY, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

***

ME:
 OW!OW!OW! HE BIT MY GOD DAMN FINGER OFF! WHAT THE FUCK?! I WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO HIM! DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT NAKED LITTLE BASTARD?! OW! SHIT! JESUS! Oh, don’t

    TELL

ME you don’t have a FRIGGIN’ BAND-AID IN THAT BACK PACK, YOU GOD DAMN SON OF A…

DAMN it!

God DAMN it!

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!

I totally hate you Sam. I am so serious.

Jesus. I hope you like piggy backs. Because I am sure as hell not walking out of here.

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