The Max Burbank 150 Point Have You/Haven’t You Bucket List.

Say gang! Here’s a really growthful way to waste time, especially at work where you can get paid for it! You know those ‘have you/haven’t you lists? The ones you’re supposed to look at and check off stuff you’ve done to get a sense of what you’ve experienced in life and what you haven’t, or maybe wouldn’t? They’re great! They really make you think about all the stuff you might not get to do before you die! Anyway, that’s how they make me feel. But then I thought, hey, why not write my own list that has lots of stuff on it I’ve already done, and that way if I die on my way hoe from work tomorrow at least I won’t feel so futile and useless at the end! Unless I totally don’t see my death coming like if I get hit by a meteor in the back of the head, or if a sniper blows my head off, or if my head just shuts down inexplicably, in which case I probably won’t be thinking about the state of my life at that exact moment. I’ll probably be thinking about The Smurfs, or that orange stuff you get on everything when you eat Cheetos. Or sex. Anyway, here’s my list. I took out all the check marks, so you won’t know what stuff I’ve already done. If you want an inside scoop like that, you have to pay for it same as everybody else. Okay, ready? Here we go.
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink.

2. Swam with wild dolphins.

3. Climbed a mountain.

4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.

5. Been inside a pyramid.

6. Held a tarantula.
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone.

8. Said, “I love you” and meant it.

9. Hugged a tree.

10. Said “Cow” over and over for days and didn’t say anything else.

11. Visited Paris.

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise.

14. Stayed up all night long and watched the northern lights.

15. Stayed up all night and watched the wall of a Mexican drunk tank.

16. Hidden in the stairwell of your workplace until they closed.

17. Shaved someone’s beard against their will.

18. Legally changed your name to Festus Nutkick.

19. Slept under the stars.

20. Changed a baby’s diaper.

21. Explained to a complete stranger why you changed their baby’s diaper.

22. Stolen a baby and replaced it with an ice sculpture of Nipsey Russell.

23. Had a blackout.

24. Had a flashback.

25. Had a flashablackout.

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit while kidnapping a monkey.

27. Kissed a total stranger.

28. Bet on a winning horse and then blown your winnings on what later turned out to be a skilled forgery of a some real famous painting of a nude fatty lounging on a sofa attended by folks who now that you think about it are almost certainly slaves.

29. Asked out a total stranger.

30. Had a snowball fight.

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly could during an audience with the Pope.

32. Held a Monkey.

33. Seen a total eclipse.

34. Ridden a roller coaster with former secretary of state, Cyrus Vance.

35. Claimed repeatedly to have a hook hand when it’s quite clear you don’t.

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.

37. Sipped Box Wine from the eye socket of an unconscious pirate.

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a God Damn instant.

39. Had a ‘tryst’ with a ‘farm animal’.

40. Hijacked a school bus full of Nuns and orphans.

41. Danced with a total stranger.

42. Disposed of the corpse of a close friend at a Dog Food factory.

43. Danced with a total stranger in a foreign country against their will.

44. Watched wild Monkeys.

45. Stole a human organ.

46. Backpacked in Europe.

47. Backpacked in Europe but this time your backpack was filled with human heads.

48. Gone rock climbing to escape Monkeys.

49. Midnight walk on the beach with Monkeys.

50. Gone skydiving.

51. Okay, with Monkeys.

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love and then done stuff that got you a restraining order and then broken that restraining order, gone to jail and been busted out BY MONKEYS!

53. In a restaurant, sat at a total stranger’s table and had a meal with them against their will.

54. Converted someone.

55. Milked a cow against its will.

56. Milked a Monkey, consensually, pretty much.

57. Put an orange under your shirt and told all your coworkers you’d had a sex change, but part way through they found out it wasn’t covered by your insurance.

58. Sung karaoke in a fancy restaurant that doesn’t have karaoke.

59. Lounged around in bed all day nursing the kind of hangover that could kill an entire small town.

60. Played “touch” football.

61. Kissed a total stranger in the rain.

62. Kissed a total stranger on public transportation who you seriously hope was passed out, ‘cause otherwise you maybe kissed a dead person.

63. Danced in the rain.

64. Made love in the rain.

65. Done 63 or 64 with a person.

66. Visited the Great Wall of China.

67. Caused an international incident.

68. Become so famous someone blew your spine out to impress a movie star they were so messed up they thought they had a relationship with and while you lay there bleeding out the last thing you heard on earth was them saying “Oh, wait, I remember, I don’t even know that person I thought killing you would impress.”

69. Improperly used a big word at a cocktail party over and over.

70. Washed down Oxycontin with rubbing alcohol.

71. Shot a man for snoring.

72. Got married.

73. Been in a movie.

74. Been in a movie about the life of Proust in which you played a nice serving of whitefish.

75. Got divorced.

76. Been in another movie about the life of Proust in which you reprised the role of a nice serving of whitefish but forgot all your lines until you woke up and realized it was just an actors nightmare.

77. Made cookies from scratch.

78. Got remarried to the women you’d divorced.

79. Ridden a Gigolo in Venice until someone informed you Gigolos are male prostitutes not water taxis.

80. Smoked hashish with Sufi’s in the Hindu Kesh, probably.

81. Rafted the Snake River on a raft made of the inflated bodies of a THOUSAND MONKEY WARRIORS!

82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” on “Monkeys”.

83. Had your Doctor say “I thought that social disease was extinct!”

84. Performed on stage.

85. Performed on stage in Vegas.

86. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton.

87. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton against his will.

88. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton against his MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY NO BAD MONKEY!!

89. Gone to Thailand but not for the whole sex tourism thing. Sincerely.

90. Bought a house only to discover it was a Monkey house, and then your realtor unzips his rubber suit and it’s a Monkey.

91. Been to Paradise, but not to me.

92. Buried one/both of your parents.

93. Buried one/both of your parents after they were dead.

94. Spoken in tongues.

95. Performed in Rocky Horror and later died of shame.

96. Raised children.

97. Lowered children.

98. Beat Wilfred Brimley to death… with a Monkey!

99. Apologized to parents about the whole burying them thing.

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over and not because you were on the ‘lam’.

101. Walked the golden gate bridge holding hands with a hybrid Monkey Girl.

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking and then gone into road rage and killed the other person with one of those textured mallets butchers use.

103. Had plastic surgery so the Monkeys wouldn’t be able to recognize you.

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived planned by the government because you know too much.

105. Painted your toenails alone in a Motel Six.

106. Lost over 100 pounds.

107. Removed over 100 pounds from someone else.

108. Grown to fifty feet and gone on a mental rampage.

109. Exhumed Frank Sinatra just to dance the hootchy koo.

110. Broke someone’s heart, literally.

111. Helped an animal give birth that was not a Monkey.

112. Embraced the Dark Lord.

113. Played ‘find the candycorn in my pocket’ with a drunken Regis Philben
.
114. Adopted a baby against its will.

115. Slapped the bad place ’till you passed out.

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol at President Lincoln.

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.

118. Ridden a horse.

119. Had major surgery from a MONKEY DOCTOR!

120. Come back from the dead with treats for everyone.

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

122. Slept for more than 47 hours over the course of 48 hours.

123. Did everything Hemingway did, including writing all his books and blowing your brains out.

124. Visited all 7 continents during a blackout.

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days that didn’t involve disposing of victims’ remains.

126. Eaten kangaroo meat against its will.

127. Had President Taft for a spirit guide.

128. Enjoyed “Star Trek Voyager” until you realized that was a physical impossibility.

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about, but did it by playing the nose flute.

130. Gone back to pre-school.

131. Parasailed.

132. Touched a cockroach while Parasailing just so you could check off two things on this fuckin’ list at once.

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes from the eye socket of an unconscious pirate.

134. Read the Iliad.

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, tracked him down and made him eat Monkey meat ’til you killed him.

136. Killed and prepared an “important” monkey-stuffed author for consumption.

137. Skipped all your school reunions, unless you count the ones that could be seen through the telescopic lens, which made it almost like being there.

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language and without using the universal languages of unprovoked violence or ‘French’ kissing.

139. Been elected to public office BY MONKEYS!

140. Written your own computer language and then the computers take over earth and enslave humanity and it’s your fault.

141. Lived out your dream about taking a math test with no pants on.

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care. Okay, not ‘had to’ per se.

143. Set fire to one of the seven modern wonders of the world.

144. Eaten nothing but American cheese until it took you to the edge of death.

145. Had a booth at a street fair featuring things so unspeakable you’ll be in prison without the possibility of parole for the rest of your life.

146. Dyed your hair.

147. Dyed the hair on your head HA HA BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING YOU FRIGGIN’ MONKEY!

148. PAINTED YOUR WEINER UP WITH A MONKEY FACE ON IT AND FRIGHTENED PEOPLE AT A PUBLIC VENUE BY MAKING IT BARK AND PLEAD FOR HELP!

149. Made mad, passionate unbridled love outdoors with the Pope against his will while Monkeys filmed it for later broadcast on YouTube.

150. Monkeys.

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