Most Popularest Baby Names!

As the demographic of my audience ages, there are bound to be changes in both readership and content. Gone will be the salad days of yore when readers could gambol about freely enjoying articles on 80’s video games, ‘hating’ on various ‘scenes’ and trying to find out what the hell ‘salad days’ are. You may already be finding more seriouser matters taking up the time you once spent working on a keen ride for the pine box derby, trying to find a date for the Junior Formal and buttonholing the old man for a hand out and the car keys. Why, by the time you read this, buttonholing old men may be illegal in most states!

Take a moment and look to your left. That sweet little girl next door it seems like you were goin’ steady with just last week sure is bigger than she used to be. Maybe you conveniently ‘forgot’ while you were ‘sittin’ in a tree that while K-I-S-S-I-N-G can be a whole lot of un, it is invariably followed by love, marriage and a baby carriage, which it turns out is not a replacement backpack for the weak spined gentleman. Your bride is going to have a baby, and statistically speaking, there’s a reasonable chance it’s yours!

This is a baby. You are in some serious trouble.

I guess it’s too late to tell you that when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, some pretty terrible things can happen, one of which is children. That horse has already left the train station and there’s no use closing the barn door either, because you burned that door when you got married without protection at an extended metaphor which inexplicably contained both trains and horses.

You have no one to blame but yourself, but don’t worry! In less than nine months you’ll have someone to blame for the rest of your life and for about the first fifteen years (twelve in your case) they won’t be able to take you in a fight!

But you can’t blame somebody if they don’t have a name! Don’t you wish you’d thought of that before you got yours? Now the pressure is on. How to decide? There are literally SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN NAMES OUT THERE! How do you pick the one that will grate on your nerves the least once you’ve said it several million times, usually in conjunction with phrases like “Your finger doesn’t go there”,” That’s not what God made the cat for!” and “Must you set everything on fire?”

Luckily for you, I’m here! No, not your computer, me, ME the actual living human being who created this content! I’m a real person with real feelings and emotions and needs, but that’s not what you came here for is it? No, all you want are the damn BABY NAMES! Which is good, because if you were looking for duck hunting tips, you’d be in the wrong article.

This baby got named ‘Dave’. Know what he has in common with all the other babies named Dave? He hates his parents.

THE MOST POPULAREST BABY NAMES FOR 2014
Nothing rankles worse than thinking you picked out a unique name for your baby and then finding out half the kids in the day care answer to the same moniker! Here are last years most popularest names so you can avoid them.
Boy Baby Names:
Jackson
Ethan
Jacob
Rankle
Liam
Mason

Girl Baby Names
Sophia
Emily
Moniker
Sophia
Olivia
Sophia-Olivia

Names for babies who do not wish to have their gender preference determined for them by their parents Baby Names
Cletus
WaCHA!
(sound of Velcro)
Melmoth

Quick! Think of a name for this baby! Got one? Great! Seventeen million people just named their baby the same thing. No wonder she’s crying.

But wait, you say! So I avoid last year’s most popularest names and then end up giving the offspring some name that turns out to be one of THIS years most popularest! Lucky for you, Modern computer science makes predictamacation far more easier namewise than it was back when your parents named you and all your siblings ‘Pete’. Here’s what researchers tell us will be…

THE MOST POPULAREST BABY NAMES FOR 2015

Boy Baby Names
Jackson
Mr. Stu
Hyperdrive
T’Challah
Slam Baxter
The Five Fingers of Death
WaCHA!
Angstrom
Jacob

Girl Baby Names
Emma
Dakota
Sophia
The Clencher
Sophia
Sophia
Friggin’ Sophia

Dangerous Mutant Baby Names
OH MY CHRIST IT HAS CLAWS
Sophia

This Baby got named Sarah, a nice middle of the road utility name that will doom her to a life of sheepish insignificance

A WARNING TO PARENTS WHO THINK THEY ARE CLEVER!
In recent years there has been a growing tendency amongst Filthy Hippies, Celebrities and Hipster Dad’s with nasty little soul patches and too small hats who say they are ‘feminists’ but also think they get exclusive rights to baby naming ‘cause their ideas are so ‘cool’ to think they can avoid the perils of baby naming by making up new names. While amusing to parents, someday ‘Apple’ Paltrow is going to fill a pillowcase with cans of Fanta and beat her mother to death with it. ‘North’ West will do much the same thing, but not because of her name which is really the least of her worries. In addition, the people most likely to think saddling a baby with a unique name is a good idea are the same people who are most likely to come up with a unique name being chosen at the exact same moment by dozens of other idiot parents just like them. So, in closing, I give you a list of seemingly unique baby names you should STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM because people are going to use them.

Boy Baby Names
New Mexico
Spork
Any name with a number where a letter should be
Ham Salad
I-pad
Tungsten
Any name preceded by the words ‘The Amazing’

Girl Baby Names
Anything in text message shorthand
Seruptishus
Elishaun
Vermillion
Lusterware
Kale
Sophia

Unisex Baby Names
Twenty-Three
Axe
Rotatoe
Sky Puppy
Universal Joint
@
Sophia

This baby is named Lester. He wants you to go away.

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2 thoughts on “Most Popularest Baby Names!

  1. As a person with a relatively rare first name, I will concur. I’ve met a total of three Reginalds in my life: 1) a local black man here in North Carolina, 2) Reginald Foster, when I went to prep school, and 3) some random guy from England to whom I introduced myself after Carol Levine called out “Reggie!” in the Wang cafeteria during one of the 3 PM breaks (remember those?) and I and another man turned to her when we heard our name being called.

    The family story goes that my father wanted to name me Roscoe, but Ma managed to convince him to go with Reginald. Add to that an unusual surname (in the U.S., that is – if I lived in Paris, it would be fairly common), and let’s just say it’s pretty easy for me to find info about myself with Google. If you look on Facebook, you’ll find a lot of Regis Aubrys, Regine Aubrys, and a few Regina Aubrys (did you know that the root words for Regina and Reginald are completely different? Regina is from the Latin for “queen”, and Reginald comes from the Norse Ragnvaldr, meaning roughly “advise king”. Yeah, I have a lot of opinions.).

    Want to know exactly how popular and when those names Max mentioned were popular? The mathematics website Wolfram Alpha has a feature that searches a name database and graphs the statistics of that name. You merely go to the site (http://www.wolframalpha.com/), and enter, for example (no quotes) “name reginald”.

    Check out the stats for Max:
    http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=name+max

    Max was a popular name for babies born before WWI, but there’s been a resurgence since the turn of this century. It seems to be a name that’s popular once every hundred years. That sounds about right.

    Like

    • When I was a kid, the only other Maxes were dogs. The Grinch had a dog named Max. Now there are lots of kids running around with my name. Actually, it’s not really my name. I haven’t known another since I was about two, but it’s not my legal name. A few of you out there know it. I much prefer ‘Max’.

      Like

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