A Recent Anxiety Dream

I had a dream last night and in it I had to tell you something but I 
couldn’t because I had to go on a mission.

I was me, but I was also Aqualad, and the Teen Titans were going on a
 mission and I had to go too. But the thing was, I hadn’t been around 
all that much lately. I’d kind of been bagging on the missions a lot
 because of family and stuff, but this time they really needed me and it
 seemed important so I was going and whatever it was I had to tell you 
had to wait.

But the costume in my locker at HQ is old. It shrunk or I grew or
something, I don’t know, maybe I put on weight. It was difficult to
get the bathing trunks part of the costume past my thighs.

Kid Flash keeps going: “What the hell is wrong with you? We have to go, do you understand, GO. What don’t you understand about GO?”

And I’m all: “You guys go ahead, I’ll catch up.”

I’m alone in the locker room, and this costume just does not fit. And I don’t have another one with me. It’s too tight and it kind of grabs my area and displays it, there is no way I can go fight crime in this outfit.

So I’m sitting there on this bench and I’m totally uncomfortable because the trunks are very binding. They’re creeping up my ass at this point and I realize:

A.) I don’t remember what you and I needed to talk about anymore,

B.) My street clothes are no longer here.

I think Robin the Boy Wonder clipped them because he’s all stuck up and a complete bastard.

I think about taking a swim. They have a seawater pool for me at
the HQ. For me. Because I’m Aqualad, and I have to go in the water regularly or I… like… dry out or something.

I start feeling guilty that they maintain this pool which has to be expensive and I’m around so infrequently the costume I keep here barely goes over my huge thighs. I’m filled with revulsion for my body, particularly my thighs which are very pale and covered with coarse black hair. I think about how Kid Flash is always calling me a woman, which is totally sexist, and he doesn’t even care that Wonder Girl is right there and sometimes she sticks up for me and that just makes it more awful.

All I know is I’ve forgotten the important thing I had to talk to you
about and I can’t go on this mission because my costume doesn’t fit and I have huge, hairy, white thighs and each hair has a little dimpled hump of flesh at it’s base and each dimple seems just slightly inflamed. There are literally thousands of pitch black hairs on my paper white thighs, literally thousands of tiny dimpled slightly inflamed humps of flesh. I look at them and look at them until I feel like I am in a piper club flying over a vast, terrifyingly ugly landscape.

And then I woke up and it was still dark. I wanted to wake you up and tell you about the dream, which wasn’t funny while I was dreaming it but seemed kind of funny now.

But then I remember when I told you the Lucy Lawless dream and you wanted to know if I had any shame — which is what they asked Senator McCarthy right before his whole deal went south — so I just kind of lay there in the dark.

The sheets were damp. I thought I could smell the sea through the
bedside window. I wondered if I could fall back to sleep before the alarm goes off. I wondered if was worth it.


3 thoughts on “A Recent Anxiety Dream

  1. Aqualad. He’s the Aquaman of the teen sidekicks. Think about that for a moment. But for compensation, the underwater guys have the most awesome wives/girlfriends. Mera. Tula.

    I’m beginning to feel pretty bad for the white superheroes. You have the whitest of the white guys – Sgt. Fury, for crying out loud – gets turned into Samuel L. Jackson. Man, one lousy alternate universe, and in the popular media you get turned black. That didn’t happen back in my day, no sir. There was no Black Eisenhower. Nope. But we have Black Aqualad now in the Young Justice series, except they named him after that department store we used to have in Methuen, Caldor or something like that. They could have just let Miss Martian be the “colored” one on the series, but that would have gotten embarrassing once it was revealed that she’s actually a White Martian (!!!), and they would be back at square one with an all-white team.

    Black Panther. Black Goliath (first one killed in the Civil War, no duh.) Black Racer. Black Vulcan.
    Oh, go look them up yourself on Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_black_superheroes). Yeah, there’s a list of black supervillains, too, which is like, what, double indemnity?

    And then what if some poor white superhero wanted to put a stake in the ground, and named him/herself explicitly? White Aqualad, for instance? White Captain America? White Black Panther? White Batgirl? You can imagine how that would go over!

    I’ve been thinking of going to Comicon as one of my favorite heroes, Mr. Fantastic. I’m greying at the temples, I could stop shaving for two days, I can make parts of my body expand tremendously (my pupils! God, you people, get your minds out of the gutter!) I’m smart-ish. But I would go as Black Mr. Fantastic/Black Reed Richards. And I guess my Comicon wife would then have to be Black Invisible Woman. Except she would obviously be clear. So, Clear Black Invisible Woman?

    Think your life sucks? Last night I had to explain to my stepdaughter about Rick Jones and Snapper Carr. Put that in your pipe.


    • I want a job with DC just so I can get Snapper Carr into the new 52. He’s the ‘hero’ I most identify with. And Reg, all new Captain America doesn’t get called Black Captain America. I find that so disappointing. Also, howcome Ms. Marvel, She Hulk, but the new Thor is just Thor. Where’s my ‘Lady’ Thor, or ‘Ms. Thor’ or Thor-girl. Is this progress? I say thee nay.

      Liked by 1 person

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