Oh, boy, here comes the New Year! A totally arbitrary brand new start! A chance to be all clean and new and shed of all the sins of the past year, as innocent as a new born babe or a Catholic spouse abuser just fresh from confession if my reasonably ill informed understanding of Catholicism is correct, which based on the actions of the super cool new Pope it almost certainly is not!
In 2015 I’m going to get fit and lose the last of that damn weight! I’ll eat healthy and exercise, even though I won’t join a health club or even the YMCA because I’m still too poor to afford either of those things even though the wife and I both work full time jobs, so heck, I wouldn’t have time anyway! But I’m totally going to speedwalk from whatever pointless thing I’m doing to the boss’s office whenever he yells for me to tell me I better get on that pointless thing I was doing until he started yelling for me! Speedwalking and repressed rage are a great way to get that heart rate up!
I’m going to spend more time with my kids and it’s going to be quality time! They’re getting older every day and I can’t afford to miss one second of this precious time, and I’m seriously going to cut down on using words around them like “no”, “don’t”, “Quit that”, “Annoying”, “Naughty”, “Little bastards” and anything that starts with unintelligible shrieking and salty language! And I’m going to be way, way more patient with the wife, because she deserves it and when I feel a little angry I’ll just take a deep breath and count to ten, because at their core all marriages are a mutual agreement to jointly crush your dreams until they can be slid under a door and forgotten, and the whole process is just as heinous for her as it is for you!
And I will not enter 2015 so drunk I climb up on the coffee table in only my underwear and beg God to tell me why my life is so unbearable, like I did in 2014. For Gods sake, the kids have been staying up ‘till midnight since they were three, they don’t need to see that kind of shenanigans from their own father, at least not ‘till I loose the last of that damn weight.
Oh, and I’m going to stop sleeping at work. And surfing for non work related matters of adult interest. And pleasuring myself! Good Jesus, I have GOT to stop pleasuring myself at work, for GOD’S SAKE; sooner or later someone is going to catch me and what the HELL am I going to say?! “Sorry for pleasuring myself at work?” JESUS CHRIST!
And the constant crying has got to go; sure, sure I know sensitive men are allowed to cry, but not like this, not constantly, inappropriately, publicly, and Ditto on the sudden, bellowed curses! And no more stripping down to my underwear and crying and cursing AT WORK!
And I’ll watch less TV and do the dishes right after dinner and not let the recycling build up on the porch week after week until you can’t see out the windows anymore and there’s no point in taking it out on recycling day, because there’s TOO MUCH OF IT, THERE’S NOTHING TO DO BUT ADD TO THE PILE, just like that guy who had that crematorium in Georgia who never got around to cremating anyone and they found all these decaying bodies stacked up in his woodshed and all over the back yard, except it’s old newspapers and cans and bottles instead of corpses but it’s essentially the SAME DAMN THING, it’s ONE STEP REMOVED!
And I will try to stop talking about Death all the time, Death, it’s inescapability, how all becoming is essentially decay! In 2015, I WILL stop my incessant, morbid, chilling, constant infatuation with the Grim Reaper especially while teaching Sunday School which anyone could have told you was a disastrous mistake to let me do!
AND NO MORE OF THAT THING WITH THE FISH! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I DO IT! I SURE AS HELL DON’T LIKE IT, SO WHY GOD, HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME WHY?! IN 2015 I SWEAR TO CHRIST I WILL STOP THAT THING WITH THE FISH!
And do the laundry more often. And vacuum every once in a while. And that pleasuring myself at work thing. I can’t say enough how much that one needs to go.
Because 2015 is going to be a great year. Not like that 2014, which will go down in history as the suckiest damn suck year ever on record. Screw you, 2014. Screw you.
2015 is going to be the year my ship comes in. And it’s going to be a big ass ship, full of all kinds amazing cargo with my name on it, and it’s not going to inexplicably sink in shark infested waters killing everyone on board not to mention taking my cargo, MY CARGO, straight to Davey GOD DAMN Jones! Wasn’t ‘Day Dream Believer’ going platinum enough for that little Limey bastard? There, see how I did that? That’s the kind of comedy gold you’ll be seeing here in 2015. Shut up dream stealer.
Happy New year.