Things to Say to a Neighbor You’ve Never Met Before While Shoveling Snow

There’s a moment after a big storm when you’re out shoveling. And you run out of breath, and you stand there leaning on your shovel, panting, sweating a little. And you look over, and there’s your neighbor, a guy you’ve never met before, leaning on his shovel, panting and sweating. You know you have to make small talk, but what the hell do you say? Here’s a few possibilities.

  • This enough snow for ya?
  • What about this weather, right?
  • What about this crap?
  • How do you like this crap?
  • Good thing it didn’t snow more, right?
  • Damn!
  • Man oh man, I haven’t seen crap like this since ’78!
  • Oh well. At least it’s not as bad as ’78.
  • This makes me think of ’78.
  • Did you live around here in ’78? That was some serious crapola.
  • Can’t wait ‘till the kids are old enough to help me out with this crapola. Like they ever will. Help out, I mean. They’re going to get older. Can’t stop that.
  • Global warming my ass, huh? I wish. Friggin’ environmentalists. Let ‘em Global warm this, am I right?
  • Take her easy there, big fella. Every serious storm a buncha guys like you drop dead shoveling. That’s not me talking. That’s actuarial tables.
  • Think they’ll cancel the game tonight?
  • Think they’ll cancel school tomorrow?
  • Right about now a big ass plow is gonna come along and run a wall of packed snow and ice three feet high right across the driveway that I just cleared. And you know what the driver is going to do? Laugh. Only friggin’ joy those bastards take in life.
  • Bet you wish you bought a snowblower right about now.
  • Does your left arm hurt? Cause my left arm is hurtin’ like a son of a bitch.
  • I sure wish I had a slave. I mean, slavery is an egregious crime against humanity, but this shoveling sucks my butt.
  • Say, want some help there? I’m just kidding; I don’t even know you. I have my own damn driveway.
  • If we get more snow before this melts, I don’t know where the hell we’re gonna put it. Here’s what I do know, though. If that happens I’m going to kill you, butcher you like a hog and feed my family off you ‘till spring comes. No offense.
  • You shovel like a girl.
  • Nice shoveling, Nancy.
  • Way to shovel, Clarice. That Pinafore warm enough for ya?
  • Boy, I’ve seen some amateur, totally suck ass shoveling in my life, but you take the cake.
  • Shovel fight?
  • Wanna make snow angels? I’m gonna make a snow angel.
  • Hey, what if this was all cocaine, huh? ‘Course you’d be deader than shit before you got more than a foot from your door, but still.
  • Fuckin’ Cold Miser, huh? What a bastard.
  • Shit like this makes me really hate my wife. She’sgot a bum leg, so she can’t shovel for crap.
  • So this is funny. Just the other day I’m thinking to myself ‘Say, what I need is a really huge friggin’ Blizzard. ‘Cause I don’t have enough reasons to kill myself what with the wife cheating on me, my metaphetamine addiction and friggin’ Ringworm.
  • Hey! I had a dream about you the other night. I killed you. I’m kidding; it was just a sex dream. Then I killed you.
  • If it gets any colder I’m gonna cut you open and climb inside like in “Return of the Jedi”. No offense. You a Star Wars Fan?
  • I’m on parole.
  • My Sister moved to Florida last year. She’s like “That’s it man, I cannot take one more God Damn New England Winter. I am so friggin’ sick of the cold and the snow and the shoveling. Never again.” Her whole family died in one of those Hurricanes they had. Kinda funny. She’s in some institution now; I forget the name of the place.
  • I bet it’s like this every day in Canada. Serves ‘em right. Bastards.
  • You ski? That’d be a silver lining, if you were a skier, huh?
  • You remember ’78? Place I lived, you could jump out the second floor window and not get hurt, no shit. I was going around with these, whattayacall ‘em, syringes of Epinephrine? I’d sneak up on some guy shoveling, jab him in the thigh; he’d keel right over like a friggin’ tree. I shit you not. I did, what, six, eight guys like that? Cops thought it was heart attacks. Every really bad blizzard, buncha guys go from heart attacks. Or… do they? Know what I mean?
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5 thoughts on “Things to Say to a Neighbor You’ve Never Met Before While Shoveling Snow

  1. My pops tells me he babysat you back in the day so occasionally he sends me your posts to read and I just wanted to say that I found this one really funny. (I heart dark humor) Even more-so when I imagined someone saying all of these things at once, with taking as few breaths as possible, in a thick Italian (or Russian) accent. That was awesome.

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  2. I’m your neighbor, and I always just say, “Are we having fun yet?” I think you should add it to your list – at the top, before you went totally out of control…laughing. I think we’re going to have some more fun next week.

    Like

    • Yeah, I’m the original author, I sold that to National Lampoon shortly before they got bought up by some larger conglomerate that just used the name as a license and no longer bought original material. They did however publish it in a really bad compilation book without informing me or paying me anything. Freelancing is awesome. Thanks, though, and glad you found it. This blog has lots of updated versions of earlier writing as well as lots of new stuff. Enjoy, promote, share, send me money. Seriously, I could use some money.

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