1) Don’t go with your first costume idea! You might be surprised with how unusual your next idea turns out to be!
2) Instead of treats, collect money for your favorite charity!
3) Trick or treating at night can be dangerous! Trick or treating before the sun goes down can be a surprising change, AND you can see everybody’s costume better! It doesn’t take all the fun out of it at all!
4) Hand out healthy treats instead of candy!
5) Run from house to house and get a cardio workout!
6) Don’t dress up as you being someone! Dress up as your Mom being someone else! Neat!
7) Instead of saying “Trick or Treat” when the neighbors open their door, feign an attack of narcolepsy!
8) Don’t trick or treat in the same old Neighborhood! Trick or treat in that neighborhood Dad goes to when he says he is working late!
9) Trick or Treating with the same old gang is fun, but predictable! Why not pretend to be part of a group of kids who don’t even know you!
10) Screw reflective tape! Reflective Tape says “I’m not spooky at all, I’m a little crybaby!” Instead, paint your naked body black and lie in the road!
11) Make a costume out of butterfly wings, dreams, rainbows and that damn neighbor’s dog’s vocal cords!
12) Trick or treat the day AFTER Halloween! When folks mention this to you, drop to your knees and howl like a monkey with it’s nuts under a truck wheel until they call the police! Be sure you’re dressed as a Power Ranger or this might not work!
13) Shave off all your hair including eyebrows, underarms and pubes. Then forget what you thought that would make you look like, go slowly into shock and lie on the floor of your room in the fetal position instead of Trick or Treating!
14) Everybody carves pumpkins! Carve your neighbor’s damn barky dog instead!
15) Hide in the bushes near your Jack-o-lantern. When some neighborhood teen comes by to smash it, crush his windpipe shut with a tire iron! Then carve off his face and wear it as a mask. When you trick or treat your neighbors house, be sure to ask where their dog is!
16) Make a friend wait for the Great Pumpkin with you by nailing them to a large plywood plank you left in the pumpkin patch earlier that day. Be sure to plan ahead and bring plenty of plastic tarps!
17) Instead of dressing up and going out, Dress up as your Mom in her room! Put on plenty of Mascarra, ‘cause it looks real spooky when you cry and cry and cry!
18) Start Trick or treating when the sun goes down and JUST KEEP GOING! ‘Round about Ten O’clock, people will start to be very annoyed and by Eleven they may even call the Police but only because they’re jealous you got the most candy and that makes you the Candy King!
19) Don’t hand out candy! Hand out bees!
20) When Trick or Treaters come to the door, give ‘em the old “I got candy Corn in my pocket.” Line! But when they reach in, all that’s there is a mouse trap! That’ll show them for owning a Dog!
21) Instead of Trick or Treating, dognap your neighbors neighbor’s dog and release them in a faraway state forest!
22) Draw Pirate faces on your knees and crab walk through the neighborhood saying “Arrrr, Tricks or Treats, matey, we are Knee Pirates!”
23) Get a giant horn, some lederhosen, a Tirolian hat, unzip your fly and go as that Riccola guy who had his crank hanging out!
24) T.P. your neighbors house and then kidnap their damn barky dog of and see if his bark is still so annoying when it’s coming from a faraway state forest!
25) Trick or treat as usual until the very last house! When Mrs. Johnson answers, tear off the top of your head and let the demon Kolas Dogkiller leap out and devour her!
26) The first time you get a Reeses product, unwrap it it and bite in right on the doorstep! Then say “Oh my God! I’m allergic to peanuts!” unless you really are allergic to peanuts, in which case you’ll have to ice their dog but good.
27) Dress as a giant, ferocious cat or a maniacal, ax wielding, Animal Control Officer.
28) Barking, barking, incessant barking! They’re like Rats with collars! It’s intolerable!
29) Don’t Bob for Apples! Make Fluffy bob for apples until that DAMN BARKY-ASS POODLE NEVER BOBS AGAIN!
30) THERE’S ONE! GET IT! PUT IT IN THE TRUNK! WHO IS BARKING NOW? DO THEY LET YOU BARK IN DOGGY HELL OR DOES THE DEVIL FREEZE YOUR LARYNX OUT OF SPITE!?
31) Why not have a party instead of Trick Or Treating? That way your ankle bracelet won’t make that damn barking noise!
32) Do something that has nothing at all to do with your paralyzing fear of dogs! Hah! Just kidding! Who could do that?
33) You want to give me one damn reason why anyone should be allowed to keep a damn liar dog as a pet with all those dog lies they tell? What the hell, why don’t you just give a sewer rat steroids and have that fetch your damn paper?! You’re lucky I don’t stuff you in the trunk and drive you to a faraway state forest!
34) AAAAAAGHHHH!!! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought #34 was a #34 shaped dog.
35) Pop corn balls are a great teat, and making them is a fun activity for the whole family!
36) You know that print, “Dogs Playing Poker”? What the hell, right? Who wishes they could go back in time and beat the crap out of the guy that came up with that? I DO!!
37) Be sure to cut spooky ghost eye holes in your plastic tarp to that you can claim it’s your costume if nosy police officers happen to ask!
38) Don’t think about dogs, don’t think about dogs. Don’t think about dogs!
39) I HATE YOU MOMMY! I HATE YOU! I WAS YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD BUT REX GOT ALL YOUR LOVE!
40) For a real spooky treat, watch the Westminster Kennel Club Finals, but this time don’t scratch yourself raw or shriek until you pass out.
41) Dress as a transvestite Nazi, get horrifyingly drunk and throw up on the first neighbor who opens their door. That will frost Mommies social climbing, zombified, suburban book club, dog loving ass.
42) Dress up as a guy who doesn’t know the truth about dogs and all their love stealing lies. When the neighbors dog comes to the door, dognap it and release it in a far away state forest! Your neighbors will thank you and make you their king!
43) Dogs invented smoking, you know. To kill us all. That’s what they’re really like.
44) OH PLASTIC TARPS, WHY MUST YOU COST SO MUCH?!
45) Dress as the famous Hobo, Dognapin’ Cletus-Joe.
46) Why should I share my secrets with you? Has anyone ever told you, you have a very long nose?
47) Go as a guy from an alternate universe where there are no dogs.
48) A timeless Hallloween gag that has nothing to do with dognaping neighborhood dogs and ending their ceaseless bark-lies once and for all is to… is to…
49) Make kids stick their hands into a bowl of peeled grapes and tell them it is eyes! Then make them reach into another bowl and they’ll say ‘Oh, more grapes?’ but here is the twist, this bowl IS full of eyes! OH DON’T SAY YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE I GOT THEM, DOG LOVER! Be sure to have plenty of PLASTIC TARPS on hand to avoid a mess. Mommy hates a mess. Oh yes she does. Make a mess and get a punishment is what Mommy says.
50) Have fun but be safe! Do not speak of our plans for their hearing is acute! Use the secret hands signs! On Halloween the barking ends!