When They Say Trick or Treat, You Say:

So you’re all grown up and there’s no way you can squeeze another year of trick-or-treating out without someone calling the cops. Plus, the ankle bracelet makes it impossible to go to any of the Halloween parties your restraining order doesn’t already prevent you from going to. LIKE ANYONE INVITED YOU TO A PARTY! Does all that mean Halloween can’t still be the bestest Holiday of the whole year? Well, yeah, pretty much. But it can still be pretty darn good, you big cry baby! Here’s how.

WHEN THEY SAY ‘TRICK-OR-TREAT’, YOU SAY:

  • WOW! Great costumes!
  • OH! You scared me! Hey, dig in!
  • Oh! Oh my goodness, what cute costumes! Honey, come and take a look at these adorable trick-or-treaters!
  • Spooky! You guys really went all out! Here, have some treats!
  • Look what we have here! A ghost, a witch, a fairy princess, a pirate, another witch, and what are you, what is that, some sort of store bought ‘Scream’ costume? Where you even born when that came out? Oh well.
  • Candy’s in the bowl. See you next year.
  • So, what are you supposed to be?
  • OH! HOLY CRAP! Woah! Sorry. You just sacred the crap out of me, man. Here, have some candy.
  • You kids like smokes? ‘Cause that’s all I got.
  • Sorry, sorry, I got his collar, don’t worry, just take some candy, quick for Christ sake, this dog is STRONG!
  • Oh, look, a Pirate! … Well, you sure look like a Pirate. What? A clown? What’s the friggin’ patch for? Yes it’s a patch. It IS! Okay, okay, have it your way, but that’s the crapiest make up job I have ever seen.
  • Know what? Why don’t you trick me this year? Seriously. ‘Cause I don’t think you have the sack to back that ‘sh*t’ up. Stop it. Stop crying.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAGH! SWEET frikkin’ CHRIST, my HEART! Sh*t, man. SH*T! That is the &#!@$%in’ scariest costume I have ever seen in my life, I thought you were gonna &#!@$%in’ murder me. I’m just kidding. You look like crap.
  • Great costume. Seriously.
  • Uhm, okay, you’re what now? Seriously? I don’t see it.
  • Awesome costumes! A Witch, a Ghost and a Pirate! Know what I got in this bowl, kids? Macarthur Genius Grants. I sh*t you not.
  • Let see now, store bought, store bought, store bought, store bought. What, are all your Moms, like, drunks, or do they just not love you?
  • WOAH! That is AWESOME! Did you make that yourself? That is Amazing! I have absolutely NO clue what you’re supposed to be. No, no, don’t explain it to me, don’t, look, shut up, okay, don’t… Okay, you &#!@$%in’ ruined it. DO NOT go into that damn spiel at the next house. Just let your costume speak for itself. You ruined it. By explaining it, you ruined it. It’s like you pissed on it. Seriously. I could not be more offended if you actually pissed all over it. I can’t give you any candy for that sh*t. Just go. Jerk.
  • Oh, geeze, I’m sorry, I’m all out of candy. I had, like, all these full size bars, I really went all out this year, like full size Hershey Bars, Snickers, Butterfingers, not that ‘fun size’ sh*t, what the hell is fun about that, am I right? I’m all out now though. I should have bought more. Sorry. I’m kidding, I was never going to give you any candy.
  • No.
  • Is it Halloween? Again? &#!@$% me.
  • Oh, hey, a store bought costume. Know what? How about you get the &#!@$% off my porch?
  • IT’S OKAY, IT’S OKAY, I GOT HIM BY THE CHOKE COLLAR! STOP THAT MOTHER &#!@$%ING BARKING! Sorry, sorry, just reach in the bowl, I got him. SHUT THAT BARKING! I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS!
  • Okay, I have not got one clue what you’re supposed to be. Not… one… clue.
  • AAAAGH!!! OH GOOD SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL I’M GOING TO DIE, SAVE ME, SAVE ME, &#!@$%, &#!@$%, &#!@$%, OH, &#!@$%i-SH*T, BASTARD, GRANDMA MOSES!… Oh. Oh, thank Christ; you’re just a kid in a costume. &#!@$%. I almost shot you.
  • I don’t understand what your costume is supposed to be.
  • No. No. I can’t give you any candy for that.
  • So, what, you’re what, a Zombie, a Hobo, a Drunk? Sh*t. No, put your hand back, you don’t get sh*t.
  • No. No. That costume isn’t anything. That’s just a bunch of sh*t you had laying around.
  • It’s okay, it’s okay, I got him by the collar, he won’t hurt you, he’s just curious. Plus, like, he’s probably hungry ‘cause I haven’t fed him in, like, a week. Oh, and I put on a power ranger costume and poke him with a barbecue fork, and he’s all chained up and he can’t do a thing about it, it makes him frikkin’ nuts, right? So what are you supposed to be, like some kind of Green Ninja?
  • What are you supposed to be now?
  • I GOT ‘FUN SIZE’! IT’S FUN ‘CAUSE IT’S SMALL! ISN’T THAT JUST LIKE LIFE?? ANYTHING THAT’S SWEET IS JUST BITE SIZE AND IT’S OVER IN A SECOND! BUT THE PAIN GOES ON AND ON AND ON!
  • OH!… Oh… I’m… I’m sorry, kids, just, just… give me a second here… it’s just… your costume young lady, it’s like the one my own daughter wore on her… her last Halloween… I… I… No, I’m kidding, she’s just with her Mom, I get her next weekend. Gotcha, though, right?
  • What the HELL are you supposed to be? Know what, take it, just take it, just take the &#!@$%in’ bowl. ‘Cause I’m done.
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