The 100 Things I Don’t Like List

1.) Hot coffee in the face

2.) TYPING ALL IN CAPS TO INDICATE YELLING!

3.) YELLING!

4.) UNWARRANTED USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!

5.) Grabby Monkeys

6.) Gropey Monkeys

7.) People who jump out at you in Haunted House attractions

8.) People who jump out at you at all

9.) Actually haunted houses

10.) Dave

11.) Completely made up words like ‘cinabun’

12.) Punch in the face

13.) Punch in the face causing temporary blindness

14.) Punch in the face causing permanent blindness

15.) Blindness

16.) People who think doing a passing imitation of a funny catch phrase is the same as being funny

17.) Dead rat on a rope traveling at forty-five mph in the face

18.) Fear of late night monsters in the toilet continuing out of toddler years and straight through to adulthood

19.) Finally getting to see a show you really wanted to see for the second time and it’s a rerun of the one episode you already saw

20.) Unidentified pinching sensations below the belt while swimming

21.) That dream where Lucy Lawless made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department

22.) That dream where Scarlett Johansson made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department

23.) That dream where Ernest Borgnine made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department

24.) Jumpy Bean Dave and his all Pre-op Samba Orchestra

25.) Bad touchies

26.) Owies

27.) The Pina Colada song

28.) Uncle Dave who I am pretty sure was not my uncle

29.) All those guys Dad did time with

30.) “Mexican” Dave Saunders who was not Mexican at all but was hiding in our garage that one time and jumped out at me

31.) People quoting Monty Python until I couldn’t even like Monty Python anymore

32.) The dark

33.) Barbara Streisand

34.) Meat cutters with an evil glint in their eyes and forearms like horse legs roped with muscle and covered in hair and tattooed all over with images of Barbara Streisand

35.) That stone ass Mo-Fo Dave

36.) Pants fulla Monkeys

37.) Elephantiasis

38.) When a mosquito gets into your house and flies near your ear when you’re trying to sleep and you can’t catch it, and every time you think you’ve driven it away it comes back and wakes you up again until around 4:32 AM you bust into a neighbors house, set free his damn barky ass dogs and set fire to the place to cover your tracks.

39.) My neighbor Dave and his God Damn barky ass dogs

40.) Tiny, angry, microscopic Monkeys in your bloodstream on nanotech motorcycles

41.) God Damn ghost of Mary baker Eddy with her constant need to play Canasta

42.) Leprechauns

43.) Leprechauns

44.) Leprechauns

45.) Leprechauns

46.) Jew Leprechauns

47.) When you’re necking with a girl and suddenly you see in the mirror you’re necking with a corpse because she’s a ghost and then you realize you’re just remembering that time you watched “The Shining”

48.) Genocide

49.) Cancer

50.) Poverty

51.) Wintergreen gum

52.) DaaaaAAAAAAAAAVE!

53.) Weiner in a mouse trap

54.) Dogs in Iron Lungs a-takin’ our jobs and a-stealin’ our womens

55.) People who jump out at you in libraries

56.) Eye worms

57.) Shenanigans

58.) Jiggery-pokery

59.) Malarkey

60.) Flim-Flam

61.) Chumbawamba

62.) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

63.) Open casket funerals of people who died from being partially dissolved by industrial solvents

64.) Hassles

65.) Snake oil salesman that promise you the moon but leave you high and dry holding the bag

66.) When your doorbell rings and you open the door and there’s nobody there and you look down and there’s a paper bag on your doorstep and Jesus, it’s on fire, so you stamp on it without even thinking and the god damn bag turns out to be full of memories of a girl you knew in high school who you never asked out even though on certain summer nights you can still smell her hair

67.) “The bottom line”

68.) “At the end of the day”

69.) “When push comes to shove”

70.) Shut up Dave, just shut up, can’t you GOD DAMN SHUT UP!?

71.) That Seven Eleven Microwave Burrito at 2:00 in the morning in 1987

72.) Hitler

73.) Hi-lighters

74.) The strongly held belief in my own exceptionality which I know is wrong

75.) The fact that you think my strongly held belief in my own exceptionality is wrong

76.) When you look in the medicine chest mirror and say ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in a row and that time in highschool where you finally got up the courage to speak to that girl you really liked and said something unforgivably stupid appears right behind you.

77.) Reflux

78.) Haters

79.) Belt Sander in the face

80.) People who jump out at you in elevators and the next thing you know you’re waking up in a bathtub full of ice cubes minus a kidney

81.) Hong Kong Phooey impersonators with the ‘friendly’ hands

82.) Grab ass meter maids all hopped up on electric fun juice and stay awake pills

83.) Okay, that last one was mostly alright

84.) Those ads for Werthers caramels that make you feel all wrong and nasty even though you can’t figure out exactly why

85.) Figuring out exactly why

86.) Wrecking ball in the face

87.) Prejudice

88.) Intolerance

89.) Bigotry

90.) Foreigners.

91.) Flammable pajamas

92.) Really flammable pajamas

93.) Extra flammable pajamas with hair trigger zippo lighter accents

94.) That time in high school

95.) That time in High School Musical

96.) Things in lists that don’t make any damn sense at all

97.) Everybody

98.) Everything

99.) All the time

100.) Did I mention Dave?

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