DID YOU KNOW?
I TOLD YOU FIRST!
Being a brief compendium of facts collected and set down by Max Burbank, some of which are both useful and true
DID YOU KNOW? In Chicago, Illinois, a Hatpin is considered a concealed weapon! Only the most elderly women still use hatpins, a long pointy device designed to secure ornate hats to women’s hair so that they won’t fall off! Alert Chicago coppers have been known to whack strutting Octogenarians to the pavement on suspicion at the mere site of a fancy hat on an old head! IT’S TRUE!!
Got hot water? Anything organic at all? DID YOU KNOW you have all the ingredients of SOUP? Astounding, yes, but TRUE! Rooney Clestridge of Butte, Montana survived six weeks lost in the Basement of his local Library using only a tin can, his own saliva, a stick of gum and disposable butane lighter by MAKING SOUP! And DID YOU KNOW that while saliva isn’t strictly speaking water, it does have mostly water in it!? That’s a fact Rooney Clestridge knew and it SAVED HIS LIFE!
DID YOU KNOW that Howard Taft, our 27’Th and heftiest President signed quite a bit of legislation while in office? Win ‘bar bets’ on this one BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!
DID YOU KNOW that the Moon Snail is so named because its shell resembles a full Moon? If you thought it was because of this boneless wonder’s propensity for exposing its ass as a gesture of contempt, you were wrong! Snails don’t even have an ass! IT’S TRUE, DAMN YOU!
SHOES were invented by Thomas Alva Edison! DID YOU KNOW THAT? You should, because it’s a TRUE FACT!
DID YOU KNOW dolphins have saved drowning sailors by pushing them to shore, but have also drowned swimmers by pushing them out to sea? Ironically, Dolphins just like pushing things! THAT’S A FACT, JACK! Try stopping ‘em sometime! We dare you!
DID YOU KNOW that even a toddler can disable a fully-grown man in an instant by blowing him up with a stick of DYNAMITE? Even a GIRL toddler? This rarely believed fact just happens to be verifiably TRUE!
If you went back in time and married your great grandmother before she met your great grandfather , then went back to your own time and had a child with one of your descendants, DID YOU KNOW it would mean you are sexual deviant?!
DID YOU KNOW the aboriginal people of Australia invented a fully realized internal combustion engine 300 years before the arrival of Europeans? I bet you didn’t, and most people don’t because they called it the BOOMERANG! THAT ONE doesn’t even MAKE SENSE but it just happens to be the God’s Own TRUTH, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!
Did you know that if you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds just like Pac Man? And that furthermore, if you increase the velocity with which you insert your finger and also the pressure sufficiently you will incur IRREPRABLE BRAIN DAMAGE?! Astounding, but SO DAMN TRUE I’ll happily take you to THUNDERDOME should you defy me! TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE! And that man will be ME! Did you know THAT, sir?!
DID YOU KNOW we know more true facts about the surface of the moon than we do about the bottom of the sea?! It’s TRUE, even though the sea floor is a LOT CLOSER in miles and you can’t breathe in either location! TRY IT OUT AND ‘SEA’!!! Watch out for Moon Snails as they are VERY RUDE!
The Dolphin is the only animal besides man that has sex for pleasure! DID YOU KNOW THAT? Of course, what’s pleasure for some is being pushed under water all the way to Davey Jones’s Locker for others! Put the ‘make’ on a Dolphin at your own risk!
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy! Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln! Both Presidents were assassinated! John Wilkes Booth, dined in a ‘booth’ at a tavern named ‘Ye Olde Grassy Knoll’ the night before killing Lincoln! Lee Harvey Oswald had a pet ferret named ‘Our American Cousin’, the title of the play Lincoln was watching when Booth killed him, a TRUE FACT even though ‘Our American Cousin’ is a HIGHLY UNUSUAL NAME for a FERRET!!
“Cats” is a very popular piece of Musical Theater, but DID YOU KNOW it was based on a series of poems by T.S.ELIOTT , famed author of ‘THE WASTELAND’, ‘THE LOVE SONG OF ALFRED J. PRUFROCK’, and a man who were he alive today would have been devoted to the Internet on account of how STUPID ASS WHACKY he was for THE KITTIES?! TRUE, TRUE, A THOUSAND TIMES TRUE!
Famous folkloric marionette Pinocchio and anyone with the surname ‘Woodcock’ have something in common! THINK ABOUT IT and you’ll see Its OH SO TRUE, YOU LILAC SCENTED FAILED MAN!
DID YOU KNOW you have no idea at all what I’ve got in my pocket? Why don’t you reach in and see? Really reach now! It’s WAY down there!
DID YOU KNOW a sneeze exits your mouth at over 100 Miles Per Hour? TRUE AS TRUE CAN BE! At that rate no matter where you and your sneeze start from the sneeze will reach Disneyland faster than you, because YOU have to obey the SPEED LIMIT or face a stiff fine courtesy of the Sate Police! COVER YOUR MOUTH!! NOT WITH YOUR HAND, USE YOUR ELBOW PROPERLY! ARE YOU ASKING TO BE WALLOPED?! BECAUSE I’M THE MAN TO DO IT, HOWARD JOHNSON, and that is a true fact YOU NEED TO KNOW!
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day! Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime! But DID YOU KNOW not everyone likes fish? I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK! I’M ALLERGIC TO FISH!!!! IS IT SOME SORT OF LEGAL REQUIREMENT THAT YOU BE ABSOLUTELY INSENSITIVE TO MY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS???!!!
DID YOU KNOW that in my right pocket I’ve got a hand sized hole and in my left pocket I have a MOUSE TRAP!? YOU’RE SCREAMING about SOMETHING but I have NO WAY OF KNOWING which pocket you reached in, because I have not been able to distinguish my left from my right SINCE BIRTH and I might also at this moment be INEBRIATED! And the TRUTH is, DID YOU KNOW, I DON’T even CARE WHICH POCKET YOU REACHED IN? WHO ASKED YOU TO REACH IN MY POCKET ANYWAY!!!?