100 Days of Misery Project : Chunk Six

#100daysofmisery #day51 : I am over halfway through this project now, and about 47 days further into it than I thought I’d get. About thirty-five years ago, a psychic fair fortune teller at what was then the Methuen Mall told me I was not living up to even half my potential. It wasn’t even my reading, she was talking to my Step-Mother. I was just sitting there. If I make it to the hundredth day of this project, as far as I am concerned I will have lived up to my full potential and will never have to do anything ever again. So screw you, Methuen Mall psychic. Screw you. Of course there is still every chance I will bag on the whole thing and prove her right. God damn it.

 

#100daysofmisery #day52 : My Mother-in-law had a dog who would wag her tail furiously and pee every time she saw me. She seemed utterly convinced it was what I wanted from her. She was totally wrong, but nothing I did could change her mind. I think there is an important life lesson here, but I’ll be damned if I can apply it to anything.

 

#100daysofmisery #day53 : Occasionally I see things the people closest to me say I probably didn’t really see. It’s irritating to have your loved ones casually suggest you hallucinate, but not seem overly concerned. Admittedly the things I’m talking about, while not impossible are fairly unlikely. A man in a gorilla suit and a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in a white convertible. And elderly Vietnamese man on a street corner in New York grinning while washing out of a toilet as gleamingly white as the inside of the space ship at the end of ‘Close Encounters’. Two Lesbian Dwarves arm wrestling under a pool table. For the last year or so I have frequently seen two incredibly ancient old women walking around my neighborhood. They are identical twins, dressed identically, heads close, they mumble to each other unintelligibly in no discernable language. No one else in my neighborhood has seen them, and they are certainly the sort of couple you’d remember. Lately I have seen just one twin, by herself. I’m worried about her sister, I’m worried about her, but what do you say to an old woman you’ve never spoken to before who may not even exist?

 

#100daysofmisery #day54 : I’m 52 and I work in a comic book shop. I could just stop there. That could be my whole entry. It isn’t. We have this customer we call ‘Annoying Pirate Guy’, because he’s annoying and he dresses as a pirate. Despite the fact that his outfit is finely crafted, highly detailed and obviously expensive, he’s super boring. He goes on and on in this whispery affected ostentatious pirate voice about how he had all the G.I. Joes in our case when he was a kid, but his Mom threw them out. Just as if everybody’s Mom didn’t throw out their G.I. Joes. No matter how interesting his get up, it can’t change how excruciatingly dull he is. It’s like he’s trying to overcompensate for something that cannot be compensated for. I always figured that contrast was what made him so extra annoying, but the other day he came in wearing plain clothes for the first time and he was just. As. Bad. Like if you were on a train moving the speed of light and you turned on the headlights, their light wouldn’t go any faster because that light is already going as fast as it can go.

 

#100daysofmisery #day55 : So last night I got to pick the movie, and “Wet, Hot, American Summer” was On Demand for free, so I chose that. I’ve seen it a few times and really liked it. It’s an early, hastily assembled comedy with Janeane Garofalo, Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, and lots of other great people. My Bride and elder daughter (younger not home) had never seen it before and kind of hated it. Here’s the thing, though. Watching them watch it I liked it way less. It seemed juvenile and there was more than one scene I felt uncomfortable watching. I think this may be a sign of weak character on my part. If I like the movie I like the movie, right? Maybe not. What does that mean? I certainly can’t chalk it up to ‘personal growth’. So when my Bride asked if I had any regrets about choosing the movie I lied and said I had absolutely none. I also claimed the movie was one of the TCM Essentials, which is I suppose a more obvious lie.

 

#100daysofmisery #day56 : When I was six or so, a Golden Retriever shortened my left ear by about half a centimeter. I can’t really blame the dog, I was trying to teach him to dance on his hind legs, something he clearly did not want to do. What did I learn from this? It is not okay to teach a dog to dance if it doesn’t want to, metaphorically or otherwise. Even if you really, really like dancing and are pretty sure anyone, including dogs, would too, if they just gave it a chance. Here’s the funny thing: I don’t like dancing all that much.

 

#100daysofmisery #day57 : Okay, look: Cherry cough drops, cherry coke, cherry gummy bears, pretty much anything cherry flavored tastes nothing whatsoever like a cherry. I’m not saying it doesn’t taste much like cherries, I’m saying that flavor is in no way similar to the flavor of cherries. Grape Soda? Same damn deal. We have simply agreed to accept some random chemical flavoring as representing cherries or grapes. While we’re on the subject, what the hell is Blue Raspberry? There are red raspberries sometimes shading toward purple, there are blackberries, which are different berries altogether, but there is no damn blue raspberry, hence there is no blue raspberry flavor. Allowing your sense of reality to be warped by arbitrary definitions of fruit flavor is where it starts, but it ends somewhere far, far darker.

 

#100daysofmisery #day58 : I know this is going to be a very unpopular post, but I feel the men of the Supreme Court made the right call yesterday, although perhaps for the wrong reasons. The religious freedoms argument opens a whole can of unpleasant worms as any half way intelligent man who wears a black robe to work ought to be able to see. I do however feel that Hobby Lobby, with their expert knowledge of scrapbookery, hot glue and the occasional stretchy things on plastic box loom project is uniquely suited to making reproductive decisions for women. I would go further and say that all sexual decisions for all people should be overseen by Hobby Lobby. I want their CEO and board of directors to select my sexual partners, I want them to oversee and physically assist all my sexual acts, I want procreation to take place only in the aisles of Hobby Lobby during business hours. Also, I just remembered my daughter is one of my facebook friends, and I must admit to feeling slightly awkward right now. I am thankful that at no point did I use the word ‘penis’. Oh, crap. If only Facebook had an ‘edit’ button.

 

#100daysofmisery #Day59 : When I was a kid, friends of ours had a three legged dog. One day I volunteered to take the dog for a walk, and in short order it yanked the leash out of my hand and took off. I chased that dog all over town, until it finally took pity on me and sat down, wagging its tail, panting less than I was. I’m sure there’s a lesson here in canine tenacity and heart and what our dogs can teach us. Here’s what I got taught: I was not equipped to catch a dog that no longer had the number of legs it had been born with.

 

#100daysofmisery #day60 : So I think if a customer is creeping you out even before you notice the Pogo the Clown tattoo on the substantial jelly roll of his upper inner arm, you should be allowed to immediately go home. Here’s the thing, you are not. Also? If you do not know who Pogo the Clown is, it will not make you happier to look it up, something you are now probably going to do anyway because that is just the way people are made. I did tell you not to, though.

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